The first time you REALLY get drunk with someone is a memory to cherish.
I had planned a small get together with 20 of my closest friends at a local Irish pub - a get together that I pre-partied for via two glasses of wine shared with my mother when I dropped off my son at her house, and continued through 1 40 of Mickey's that I shared with DD in the car prior to even entering the bar.
I was feeling pret.ty good before even walking in to greet my friends.
The great and terrible thing about birthday at bars are that people buy your drinks like it's their JOB.
You mix shots with fruity drinks with beer with...oh my.
The bonus of the evening that I can remember is that DD holds his own remarkably well in a crowd of mostly strangers. I don't have to babysit him, he doesn't follow me around and I find that I AM the one making my way over to him for some drunky smooches more often than I would have expected.
Things get a little foggy towards the end of the night, but I do find myself outside either chatting or observing chat with a couple of friends when DD hugs me from behind. I turn, lean into him, and nearly pass out on the spot.
"Are you okay?" he asks, pulling me away from him to look at me.
I shake my head "no" apparently unable to speak.
"Do you want to go home?" he asks.
I nod my head "yes."
He laughs and says "okay, let's go say goodbye to your friends" and parades my drunk ass around for goodbyes.
Somehow we get lost on the way home (he tells me the next day that I gave him bad directions). I am in and out of consciousness, although he pulls over once when I think I might puke up the salad, piece of pizza and various forms of liquid libations I've indulged in that evening.
Unfortunately, he's not pulled over when my body finally decides to purge itself.
I recall him saying "oh, lord..."
The next thing I recall is being drunkenly mortified, closing my eyes and telling him to drive and that I will take care of it.
I shower to get myself clean, wrap myself in a towel, dig out the clorox wipes and march outside to fix one of the more horrific things I've ever done in the presence of new boyfriend.
I'm not sure how long I spent cleaning the door and bottom of his car, but I know that when I finally return upstairs, he is asleep on my bed.
Happy Birthday, Little Red. Good job. You are clearly older and wiser.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Dear jealousy, take a friggin' hike...
I am sitting at my desk one morning last week, reflecting on the fun birthday weekend and dutifully trolling facebook when I see that my man-friend has sent me a message. I grin, read it quickly...and stop grinning.
The message reads:
"Not to be paranoid but went to rsvp since im about to go to the dentist, but what is this about?
Hot Lawyer:
Damn, I won't be able to make it. Have a good birthday anyway. I do expect that we all meet up in August several time since that will be my month of debauchery and liquor.
June 23 at 3:10pm
Little Red:
bring on the month of debauchery! i've been waiting for this for MONTHS...I guess you probably have too...
Friday at 12:39pm ·
I even looked up the meaning of debauchery to double check to see if i thought it meant something it didnt but here is what I found.....
debauchery:(plural debaucheries)
1.Indulgence in sensual pleasures; scandalous activities involving sex, alcohol, or drugs without inhibition.
2.(archaic) Seduction from duty.
So I guess an explanation would be helpfull of what this means....."
The context of the re-post is from the little facebook event I created to invite people out to a bar to celebrate my birthday. Hot lawyer, who you may recall from earlier posts, was referencing a joke made by me regarding his very limited ability to have any fun between his graduation, the bar and his enlisting in the marines.
Now, let me just tell you that I read DD's little message and had a knee-jerk, intense "I don't have to fucking explain ANYTHING to you, sir" reaction. I don't like to be questioned, and this smacked of jealous stupidity.
However, I thought, I can nip this in the bud playfully and replied:
" [DD] I love you and you are very paranoid. I'll elaborate on the reference if you feel like you need to ask me again in person...which i hope you don't. :-) Hope that tooth has an easy fix and not a painful expensive one (though I know how those dentist things can go). xoxo."
I thought this was light-hearted, loving but firm in my belief that I should NOT be being questions about this ridiculousness and he should take a flippin' hint.
He clearly did not take it lovingly when he hopped on facebook chat to say:
"wtf? I ask for an explanation and I get your paranoid, I hope you dont need me to elaborate...whatever Lindsey its an easy question to answer but if its beneath you then I guess I probably am as well..."
WHOA! Whoa, little doggy, whoa. Did we just jump to a fighting place? I'm so caught off guard by this reaction that I don't even respond. He signs off and I text him:
"I don't know how to respond to this. I don't understand why you would questions me about something that is clearly benign or think that I would post on my FACEBOOK anything less than above board content"
He doesn't text me back.
I am utterly taken aback by this turn of events and spend the afternoon reading and re-reading my comments, his comments, the comments that spurred the reaction and concluding that, whole-heartedly, I am not wrong. I can make a joke, and my boyfriend, after spending three days of birthday fun, should not, for even an INSTANT, assume I am bitchy or callous enough to flirt with another man ON MY FACEBOOK for the world to see. I can see how it might seem ambiguous to the untrained eye, but...his eye should be trained.
Hey you little jealousy red flag. I know I'd see you rear up your ugly ass head.
I try and chalk up the behavior to the fact that DD has an infected tooth which he is getting PULLED with very little numbing...I think this has addled his brain. I PRAY this has addled his brain.
He get online later and tells me that the tooth is gone and he's got some major pain-killers on board (thank God, maybe he's mellowed, I think).
DD: my mood is much improved than say an hour ago..
Me: better living through chemicals..
DD: sorry to dent your good vibrations..
Me: eh. was bound to happen at some point. :-)
(See, I'm trying to lighten the mood. This was no reason to fight...)
DD: I assume you again dont understand why I would even ask?..
(Oh, dammit)
Me: i honestly don't understand how after all the time we've been spending together, after such a glorious weekend, and the kind of person you claim to believe I am, that you would think that there was even a second of your time worth spent worrying or asking about a facebook wall post that could ONLY be in reference to something benign...
(I got on to explain the reference. my nipping in the bud moment has passed, might as well make him feel guilty about something this stupid)
DD: I dont think your cheating on me or even considering it by anymeans, but joking around with some dude with sexual overtones does falls in the grey area and I have made it very clear how I feel about that.. I just thought I had earned enough respect from you to not have to deal with that shit. Apparently not..
(oh my jesus. oh my sweet jesus. Really?! Don't pick a fight with me, sir. You will lose and you will lose bad. And now you're just annoying me because I don't understand and this is dumb.)
Me: I'm sorry if it offended you. I am crystal clear on your issues with respect and gray area...but we may need to talk more about what falls in that gray area. I think I have a pretty good handle on reasonable v. unreasonable, but you appear to disagree. I certainly would not be so callous to put something on my wall that I KNEW you would see if I thought it was offensive...
(please, see reason. please don't be a stupid jealous idiot. I like you SO much)
DD: I would hope you werent having banter with other men that had sexual overtones whether or not I could see itmaybe I am a little sensitive to that type of stuff, but I dont do it. I guess thats the whole nothing is completely platonic theory, but its not respectful, and you have been very insensitive to anything I bring up which is irritating as wellIts like your trying to make me feel stupid about it, and then turning it around on me like I think your someone who would cheat which is not at all what I said...
(And....I'm out of rational ways to talk about this subject. I go to a gut place of "I don't understand this nonsense, it's stupid and I can't talk to you about it becuase you're WRONG" and this seems like a bad train to set in motion, so instead, I say:)
Me:Let's talk about this in person, please. I don't want to be insensitive but I need to think about this. I don't want you to be unhappy and I don't understand this right now...
I had to walk away. If I didn't walk away I wouldn't have been nice anymore. As it is, we discuss getting together that evening when DD drops this little gem on me in parting:
DD: I will text you later if I feel like coming over to talk.
Now, he could have meant "...if I feel like coming over to talk since I had a tooth ripped from my gums and don't feel good" but I take it as "keep you night open and if i deign to come discuss this with you, I'll let you know"
to which, my lovely basic instincts think "stay home, buddy. don't do me any favors"
I go to a spin class to work off my confusion and annoyance, but I only get more confused by how the day has spun out of control. When DD texts me sometime later and asks if I want him to come over, I skirt the question because, honestly, I DON'T want him to come over. I am all for a good battle, but not when I feel like the playing field is stupid. He clearly feels strongly about the subject, and is all worked up over it, and I think it's retarded which will only make him angrier.
When I suggest that we just chat later in the week to buy myself some time to try and empathize - something I am currently incapable of doing - I get the following text:
"I don't think you're hearing me at all today. And this is much bigger than I want it to be."
I hope I'm not hearing him at all, I think as I take my son to the bathroom for a bath and ignore his text until I can think of a nice way to respond. I hope I've heard him wrong and he's not being a jealous angry person over nothing.
I put my son to bed and come out to another text:
"I'm packing my stuff and coming over to talk this out. I'm not letting it fester."
Interesting that he was the angry one but when I didn't jump to fix the world, he jumped to come fix it himself. I go and lay down with my son. I hear him come in some time later (I didn't respond to his text) and when my son is finally asleep and I emerge, he hands me a gin and tonic and walks towards my bedroom.
Great, we need alcohol for this "talk" huh?
"Tell me how I hurt you today?" he opens with.
I brighten a little. This is a good opening line.
I'll spare you the extended record of the account and simplify it to our basic platforms:
MY POV: jealousy is a trust issue. either you trust me or you think i'm capable of being an insensitive assface.
HIS POV: i trust you, but i don't want to be played a fool. I should have the right, as you should, to ask a simple clarification question.
Now, the sticking point that I finally give up on trying to make him understand is that by ASKING a question he is, in fact, casting doubt on my ability to be trusted or to conduct myself in a respectful manner.
However, he admits he's overly sensitive and will work on that. He doesn't understand my joking with guys...(" I want all the flirting and sex stuff to come my way")...which I understand but refute with the fact that I treat men and women the same.
I agree to try and be more understanding of what might bother him, but say he needs to communicate it in a better way than "explain yourself" to which I promise to almost always reply "no i will not."
At the conclusion of our first BIG TALK, I sigh and get ready for bed:
"this won't be the last time we fight about this" I realize.
He looks worried. "Are you okay with that? I don't want to screw this up."
I shrug. "If we can talk about it without getting MAD..." (I give him an eyeball) "...then we'll work through it. We just have to communicate better."
He's a hothead, that much I know and he's admitted. Wears his heart on his sleeve. I am going to spend some time thinking about how to diffuse or stay away from the hotness until the moment has passed and he can be the sweet reasonable adult that I spend 98% of my time with.
"You've never been jealous?" he prods as I crawl into bed next to him. I give him a quick grin.
'Nope. I assume if someone is with me it's becuase they want to be with ME and not someone else or they would do something about it."
He groans, clearly unsatisfied by this answer.
I shrug again, deciding he'll either deal with his jealousy or he will find himself without a girlfriend at some point becuase he's let it consume him.
Heartless? Maybe. Practical? Always.
The message reads:
"Not to be paranoid but went to rsvp since im about to go to the dentist, but what is this about?
Hot Lawyer:
Damn, I won't be able to make it. Have a good birthday anyway. I do expect that we all meet up in August several time since that will be my month of debauchery and liquor.
June 23 at 3:10pm
Little Red:
bring on the month of debauchery! i've been waiting for this for MONTHS...I guess you probably have too...
Friday at 12:39pm ·
I even looked up the meaning of debauchery to double check to see if i thought it meant something it didnt but here is what I found.....
debauchery:(plural debaucheries)
1.Indulgence in sensual pleasures; scandalous activities involving sex, alcohol, or drugs without inhibition.
2.(archaic) Seduction from duty.
So I guess an explanation would be helpfull of what this means....."
The context of the re-post is from the little facebook event I created to invite people out to a bar to celebrate my birthday. Hot lawyer, who you may recall from earlier posts, was referencing a joke made by me regarding his very limited ability to have any fun between his graduation, the bar and his enlisting in the marines.
Now, let me just tell you that I read DD's little message and had a knee-jerk, intense "I don't have to fucking explain ANYTHING to you, sir" reaction. I don't like to be questioned, and this smacked of jealous stupidity.
However, I thought, I can nip this in the bud playfully and replied:
" [DD] I love you and you are very paranoid. I'll elaborate on the reference if you feel like you need to ask me again in person...which i hope you don't. :-) Hope that tooth has an easy fix and not a painful expensive one (though I know how those dentist things can go). xoxo."
I thought this was light-hearted, loving but firm in my belief that I should NOT be being questions about this ridiculousness and he should take a flippin' hint.
He clearly did not take it lovingly when he hopped on facebook chat to say:
"wtf? I ask for an explanation and I get your paranoid, I hope you dont need me to elaborate...whatever Lindsey its an easy question to answer but if its beneath you then I guess I probably am as well..."
WHOA! Whoa, little doggy, whoa. Did we just jump to a fighting place? I'm so caught off guard by this reaction that I don't even respond. He signs off and I text him:
"I don't know how to respond to this. I don't understand why you would questions me about something that is clearly benign or think that I would post on my FACEBOOK anything less than above board content"
He doesn't text me back.
I am utterly taken aback by this turn of events and spend the afternoon reading and re-reading my comments, his comments, the comments that spurred the reaction and concluding that, whole-heartedly, I am not wrong. I can make a joke, and my boyfriend, after spending three days of birthday fun, should not, for even an INSTANT, assume I am bitchy or callous enough to flirt with another man ON MY FACEBOOK for the world to see. I can see how it might seem ambiguous to the untrained eye, but...his eye should be trained.
Hey you little jealousy red flag. I know I'd see you rear up your ugly ass head.
I try and chalk up the behavior to the fact that DD has an infected tooth which he is getting PULLED with very little numbing...I think this has addled his brain. I PRAY this has addled his brain.
He get online later and tells me that the tooth is gone and he's got some major pain-killers on board (thank God, maybe he's mellowed, I think).
DD: my mood is much improved than say an hour ago..
Me: better living through chemicals..
DD: sorry to dent your good vibrations..
Me: eh. was bound to happen at some point. :-)
(See, I'm trying to lighten the mood. This was no reason to fight...)
DD: I assume you again dont understand why I would even ask?..
(Oh, dammit)
Me: i honestly don't understand how after all the time we've been spending together, after such a glorious weekend, and the kind of person you claim to believe I am, that you would think that there was even a second of your time worth spent worrying or asking about a facebook wall post that could ONLY be in reference to something benign...
(I got on to explain the reference. my nipping in the bud moment has passed, might as well make him feel guilty about something this stupid)
DD: I dont think your cheating on me or even considering it by anymeans, but joking around with some dude with sexual overtones does falls in the grey area and I have made it very clear how I feel about that.. I just thought I had earned enough respect from you to not have to deal with that shit. Apparently not..
(oh my jesus. oh my sweet jesus. Really?! Don't pick a fight with me, sir. You will lose and you will lose bad. And now you're just annoying me because I don't understand and this is dumb.)
Me: I'm sorry if it offended you. I am crystal clear on your issues with respect and gray area...but we may need to talk more about what falls in that gray area. I think I have a pretty good handle on reasonable v. unreasonable, but you appear to disagree. I certainly would not be so callous to put something on my wall that I KNEW you would see if I thought it was offensive...
(please, see reason. please don't be a stupid jealous idiot. I like you SO much)
DD: I would hope you werent having banter with other men that had sexual overtones whether or not I could see itmaybe I am a little sensitive to that type of stuff, but I dont do it. I guess thats the whole nothing is completely platonic theory, but its not respectful, and you have been very insensitive to anything I bring up which is irritating as wellIts like your trying to make me feel stupid about it, and then turning it around on me like I think your someone who would cheat which is not at all what I said...
(And....I'm out of rational ways to talk about this subject. I go to a gut place of "I don't understand this nonsense, it's stupid and I can't talk to you about it becuase you're WRONG" and this seems like a bad train to set in motion, so instead, I say:)
Me:Let's talk about this in person, please. I don't want to be insensitive but I need to think about this. I don't want you to be unhappy and I don't understand this right now...
I had to walk away. If I didn't walk away I wouldn't have been nice anymore. As it is, we discuss getting together that evening when DD drops this little gem on me in parting:
DD: I will text you later if I feel like coming over to talk.
Now, he could have meant "...if I feel like coming over to talk since I had a tooth ripped from my gums and don't feel good" but I take it as "keep you night open and if i deign to come discuss this with you, I'll let you know"
to which, my lovely basic instincts think "stay home, buddy. don't do me any favors"
I go to a spin class to work off my confusion and annoyance, but I only get more confused by how the day has spun out of control. When DD texts me sometime later and asks if I want him to come over, I skirt the question because, honestly, I DON'T want him to come over. I am all for a good battle, but not when I feel like the playing field is stupid. He clearly feels strongly about the subject, and is all worked up over it, and I think it's retarded which will only make him angrier.
When I suggest that we just chat later in the week to buy myself some time to try and empathize - something I am currently incapable of doing - I get the following text:
"I don't think you're hearing me at all today. And this is much bigger than I want it to be."
I hope I'm not hearing him at all, I think as I take my son to the bathroom for a bath and ignore his text until I can think of a nice way to respond. I hope I've heard him wrong and he's not being a jealous angry person over nothing.
I put my son to bed and come out to another text:
"I'm packing my stuff and coming over to talk this out. I'm not letting it fester."
Interesting that he was the angry one but when I didn't jump to fix the world, he jumped to come fix it himself. I go and lay down with my son. I hear him come in some time later (I didn't respond to his text) and when my son is finally asleep and I emerge, he hands me a gin and tonic and walks towards my bedroom.
Great, we need alcohol for this "talk" huh?
"Tell me how I hurt you today?" he opens with.
I brighten a little. This is a good opening line.
I'll spare you the extended record of the account and simplify it to our basic platforms:
MY POV: jealousy is a trust issue. either you trust me or you think i'm capable of being an insensitive assface.
HIS POV: i trust you, but i don't want to be played a fool. I should have the right, as you should, to ask a simple clarification question.
Now, the sticking point that I finally give up on trying to make him understand is that by ASKING a question he is, in fact, casting doubt on my ability to be trusted or to conduct myself in a respectful manner.
However, he admits he's overly sensitive and will work on that. He doesn't understand my joking with guys...(" I want all the flirting and sex stuff to come my way")...which I understand but refute with the fact that I treat men and women the same.
I agree to try and be more understanding of what might bother him, but say he needs to communicate it in a better way than "explain yourself" to which I promise to almost always reply "no i will not."
At the conclusion of our first BIG TALK, I sigh and get ready for bed:
"this won't be the last time we fight about this" I realize.
He looks worried. "Are you okay with that? I don't want to screw this up."
I shrug. "If we can talk about it without getting MAD..." (I give him an eyeball) "...then we'll work through it. We just have to communicate better."
He's a hothead, that much I know and he's admitted. Wears his heart on his sleeve. I am going to spend some time thinking about how to diffuse or stay away from the hotness until the moment has passed and he can be the sweet reasonable adult that I spend 98% of my time with.
"You've never been jealous?" he prods as I crawl into bed next to him. I give him a quick grin.
'Nope. I assume if someone is with me it's becuase they want to be with ME and not someone else or they would do something about it."
He groans, clearly unsatisfied by this answer.
I shrug again, deciding he'll either deal with his jealousy or he will find himself without a girlfriend at some point becuase he's let it consume him.
Heartless? Maybe. Practical? Always.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sass Nugget # 3
DD text (upon returning from an overnight work trip): "just got back in town and was wondering if you might be interested in meeting up for a quick crazy rendezvous to defile a public place before I head to pick up the girls?"
Me: "you want to TP a place of business? I think we outgrew that after middle school."
DD: "you're ridiculous, little girl."
Me: "you want to TP a place of business? I think we outgrew that after middle school."
DD: "you're ridiculous, little girl."
Monday, June 27, 2011
Birthday - Boyfriend for the WIN, but what about this present?
DD came over Wednesday night after a two night break from one another (I had plans) and then Thursday we and all the kids went to the pool. We ended up chatting back at my place after pooltime while the kids played about the places I was looking at to move into. My impression is the amount of money that he is willing to spend on a habitat is less than I am willing to spend. I figure that I still get to move where I want and if he wants to move in, he'll either figure it out or wait till next year to really talk about it. I'm okay with either.
Friday night, we had made plans to have all the kids spend the night elsewhere and he was to accompany me to a friend's party downtown. Realizing we were child-free...and that my 26th birthday was on Sunday...he asked if he could make reservations for dinner for the two of us. This was very gallant and I happily accepted.
We ended up going to a pricey and DELICIOUS Bralizian restuarant on the Plaza. Wine was good, food was to die for - the whole experience was AWESOME.
It was me who fucked it all up by realizing AFTER we had driven downtown, parked and were walking to the bar that my ID was still in my laptop bag where I had stowed it for easy access during my airport trips. Little Red fail.
We ended up going to my house - I changed my clothes into something more comfortable than the heels and halter dress I'd been sporting - and headed to a local bar to play pool - only to discover they no longer have a pool table. Bah!
Suddenly, we both seemed to realize that it was Friday, we'd worked all day, eaten a lot, had a couple drinks...and were old and tired.
"Sleep tonight, play in the morning?" I blearily suggested as I crawled into bed.
He nodded. OLD!!! Old old old!
Luckily, waking up at 7 AM for some fun times made me feel less old...that is until he had to stop mid-sexy times to blow his nose and then came in an pointed out how much "sleep" he had in one eye and I realized upon closer inspection that he had pink eye! Ack! Infectious disease!
I had thrown the sheets in the laundry, put my clothes back on and was tucking one side of fresh sheets and ready to clorox the doorknobs when he emerged from the bathroom after I gave him the eye drops that I used for my son's pink eye.
'Oh, so we're done here?" he said with slight suprise and less slight disappointment. "Well, at least you got yours."
I smiled broadly. "There's that. I'm sorry, but...I don't want pink eye."
He mutters that he understands but I can tell he wishes something else had happened.
Luckily, my son has swim lessons so we part for then and plan to reconvene later to take the kids to the movies. We do just that (Cars 2 is lame, btw) and then head home with kids and I run to the grocery store, spend too much money, and come home to make another family meal.
Of note: I make dinner and clean up dinner. It's my place. I should but...only his oldest daughter offers to help with the clean-up.
It doesn't bother me, but I'm noting it...and then curl up on the couch with him and the gin and tonic he's made me to watch "The Little Mermaid" before putting the kids to bed.
Somehow, we're both tired again, and after a little making out, pass out. Just in time for me to feel older and lamer than ever.
Luckily, we both wake up at 4 AM for some unknown reason and spend 2 blissful hours doing all kinds of things I'm not able to mention here for fear of future discovery.
We sleep for another hour or so before I rise and get waffles going for my son and his girls and then hop in the shower - as we're to meet my father for an outing at the zoo.
The zoo is FUN. The kids have a great time, and even though we're all sweating like crazy and hot as hell 5.5 hours later, it's a good time had by all. I'm impressed when DD pays for everyone's admissions and keeps making an "it's your birthday" fuss over me paying for anything. It's sweet.
We head home and he's asleep in the car as his girls are already clamoring for a trip to the pool. I have birthday dinner plans with my mom sister and father, so I get my soon a bath, ready things for the pool thinking I can send DD and the girls to my pool since I'm thinking DD is too tired to gear up for another family thing of mine. As I strip out of my sweat drenched clothes and head to the shower, he's half passed out on my bed.
Minutes later, furiously trying to hop in and out of the shower, he joins me.
"You appear to have found some energy," I say, half-surprised.
"You took off your shirt," is his only explanation.
I lose some time in the shower, but manage to get out of the house on time anyway. I find myself leaving my housekey and the pass to the pool so they can swim - after having stacked 3 towels for them, packed sunscreen and goggles.
Here's the thing: I'm a mom. I like doing the mom thing. I just want to make sure I don't set a precedence of over-mom-ing a grown man. He's got kids. He's 8 years older than me. I get that I move at a crazy person pace. I don't slow down. I almost always have energy. Not everyone moves like that.
That night, as I walk into my house excepting to see the mess from the kids and where they slept the previous night...I find my house clean. And think..ahhhh...this is going to be okay.
I text back and forth about how great the weekend was, thank him, etc. and he texts back a long time before ending with "you've won us all over"
Friday night, we had made plans to have all the kids spend the night elsewhere and he was to accompany me to a friend's party downtown. Realizing we were child-free...and that my 26th birthday was on Sunday...he asked if he could make reservations for dinner for the two of us. This was very gallant and I happily accepted.
We ended up going to a pricey and DELICIOUS Bralizian restuarant on the Plaza. Wine was good, food was to die for - the whole experience was AWESOME.
It was me who fucked it all up by realizing AFTER we had driven downtown, parked and were walking to the bar that my ID was still in my laptop bag where I had stowed it for easy access during my airport trips. Little Red fail.
We ended up going to my house - I changed my clothes into something more comfortable than the heels and halter dress I'd been sporting - and headed to a local bar to play pool - only to discover they no longer have a pool table. Bah!
Suddenly, we both seemed to realize that it was Friday, we'd worked all day, eaten a lot, had a couple drinks...and were old and tired.
"Sleep tonight, play in the morning?" I blearily suggested as I crawled into bed.
He nodded. OLD!!! Old old old!
Luckily, waking up at 7 AM for some fun times made me feel less old...that is until he had to stop mid-sexy times to blow his nose and then came in an pointed out how much "sleep" he had in one eye and I realized upon closer inspection that he had pink eye! Ack! Infectious disease!
I had thrown the sheets in the laundry, put my clothes back on and was tucking one side of fresh sheets and ready to clorox the doorknobs when he emerged from the bathroom after I gave him the eye drops that I used for my son's pink eye.
'Oh, so we're done here?" he said with slight suprise and less slight disappointment. "Well, at least you got yours."
I smiled broadly. "There's that. I'm sorry, but...I don't want pink eye."
He mutters that he understands but I can tell he wishes something else had happened.
Luckily, my son has swim lessons so we part for then and plan to reconvene later to take the kids to the movies. We do just that (Cars 2 is lame, btw) and then head home with kids and I run to the grocery store, spend too much money, and come home to make another family meal.
Of note: I make dinner and clean up dinner. It's my place. I should but...only his oldest daughter offers to help with the clean-up.
It doesn't bother me, but I'm noting it...and then curl up on the couch with him and the gin and tonic he's made me to watch "The Little Mermaid" before putting the kids to bed.
Somehow, we're both tired again, and after a little making out, pass out. Just in time for me to feel older and lamer than ever.
Luckily, we both wake up at 4 AM for some unknown reason and spend 2 blissful hours doing all kinds of things I'm not able to mention here for fear of future discovery.
We sleep for another hour or so before I rise and get waffles going for my son and his girls and then hop in the shower - as we're to meet my father for an outing at the zoo.
The zoo is FUN. The kids have a great time, and even though we're all sweating like crazy and hot as hell 5.5 hours later, it's a good time had by all. I'm impressed when DD pays for everyone's admissions and keeps making an "it's your birthday" fuss over me paying for anything. It's sweet.
We head home and he's asleep in the car as his girls are already clamoring for a trip to the pool. I have birthday dinner plans with my mom sister and father, so I get my soon a bath, ready things for the pool thinking I can send DD and the girls to my pool since I'm thinking DD is too tired to gear up for another family thing of mine. As I strip out of my sweat drenched clothes and head to the shower, he's half passed out on my bed.
Minutes later, furiously trying to hop in and out of the shower, he joins me.
"You appear to have found some energy," I say, half-surprised.
"You took off your shirt," is his only explanation.
I lose some time in the shower, but manage to get out of the house on time anyway. I find myself leaving my housekey and the pass to the pool so they can swim - after having stacked 3 towels for them, packed sunscreen and goggles.
Here's the thing: I'm a mom. I like doing the mom thing. I just want to make sure I don't set a precedence of over-mom-ing a grown man. He's got kids. He's 8 years older than me. I get that I move at a crazy person pace. I don't slow down. I almost always have energy. Not everyone moves like that.
That night, as I walk into my house excepting to see the mess from the kids and where they slept the previous night...I find my house clean. And think..ahhhh...this is going to be okay.
I text back and forth about how great the weekend was, thank him, etc. and he texts back a long time before ending with "you've won us all over"
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Sunday Funday - family bonding, shower sex, father's day, and a surprise discussion about living together
You can pack a lot of activity into one 12 hour period.
Sunday's adventure in dating began at 12 noon when DD showed up at my house with his girls, ready to head to the pool for an afternoon of swimming. We packed a strolled and walked down the street, my boyfriend, me and our 3 kids.
The thing I'm liking about having 3 kids in the mix is that the older 2 watch after the younger 1. The bonus is for everyone. The girls feel like they're mothering a toddler. I get to mother a toddler, but also enjoy myself as an adult and play in the pool with the girls and DD. And, I got to lay out with having to keep an eye cracked upon for the 2-year-old who would undoubtedly fall in the pool.
Glorious.
After the pool, we headed back to my house to get ready for father's day dinner. Once the kisd were changed and playing in my son's room, I announced I was going to hop in the shower to get ready.
"Maybe I'll join you," DD said with a wink.
I gave him a look. "There are 3 children in the other room," I reminded him.
Somehow, as I finished conditioning my hair and started to soap up in the shower, DD appears in a suddenly open shower door. I repeat my LOOK.
"They're all playing. And I need to shower too," he says with not even a half-assed attempt at innocence as he gets in and makes a pass at me.
I stubbornly act like I'm going to get clean and get the heck out, when he suddenly steals the loofah from me and turns me away from him.
A few moments later he releases me with a cocky grin on his face.
"That's just a teaser for later," he promises as I try to get my brain to come back online.
I give him a dirty look and get out of the shower to get ready, precious moments lost to shower fun.
When he gets out five minutes later, I find that I'm grinning like an idiot.
"You know what's so great?" I ask. "You can have kids and still have a sex life!"
This makes him laugh, because it's cleary not the world's biggest revelation. I hadn't given it much thought, but I had clearly put on my "mom hat" and taken it off for my "girl hat" as time and dating dictated. I had never thought about how you really integrated the 2. I mean, married couples do it, I'm sure (or maybe they don't and that's where all the sex complaints come from) but I'm nearly giddy to discover we can go play at the pool with our children and then come home and have some discreet sexy playtime and then get ready to go out to dinner with the family. This is blissful madness, I tell you!
We then made a big old blended family step and went to dinner for father's day with all the kids and my father and my sister and her boyfriend.
I had another "holy shit is this for real?" moment at that dinner, especially as I chatted with my dad while DD's youngest played with my son and his oldest made cute little crayon nametags for him. It was DD who rounded up my son as I was paying the bill. Is this what family life is like? Not doing everything on your own?
What else is blended family life like? Having to disperse the children to the corners of the world. We were headed to a Chelsea Handler concert and had to stop at my house to deposit my son with my mother, pick up my friend, then head to deposit HIS kids with THEIR mother before running to Houlihan's to meet the rest of the crew that I was driving to the concert.
I'm riding a high of family and shower sex when, at Houlihan's, DD pulls a coup de grace and pays for everyone's drinks, including my 3 girlfriends. This is a SMART play. I am impressed and proud, the girls are having some instant "you can buy our love" and I just want to jump on him and kiss him. This day is kicking some ass.
We go see a comedy concert with Chelsea Handler that makes me laugh so hard I cry a few times before heading home. I drop all of our friends off at their cars, then we go to retrieve my sleeping son.
We arrive home to a house that somehow the AC has been turned off in and it is flipping HOT. I put my son down, crank the AC and go to my room to see a sweltering DD laying in his underwear on the bed. Visions of shower sex dance in my head, and I unzip my dress and lay down beside him in only my underwear with a "it's so HOT" lament to cover my actions.
"I want to talk to you about something," he says.
I deflate instantly. Son of a bitch.
"Yeah?" I say, wishing I could grab a t-shirt. Why does he catch me at times like this to have "talks?" I can't take a conversation seriously without a bra on.
"I know it's really insanely early to be talking about this, but with your lease up in two months..."
Oh, holy f-er. I knew this was coming. Ever since I got home, and even a couple time before that, he's made elusive vague commments about thinking "crazy things" about me sometimes based on how awesome everything is going between us. These followed with pointed questions about my dream house and how I want to get married have left little to my imagination that, for whatever reason, homeboy thinks he's his a jackpot and he wants to lock this redhead DOWN.
I have been very good at not asking any questions or changing the subject when he's made these comments. However, just the previous day when talking about how I had put in my notice at my townhome and what I was looking for in a new place, we had the following exchange:
"Have you looked at rental houses?" he wanted to know.
"Yes. Prices are good but they have YARDS. I don't want to shovel snow or mow a lawn. I don't have time," I say, having thought about it extensively. There are a lot of things I'm doing on my own wearing my WonderMom cape and being a working single moter...I have no desire to add lawncare to that.
"I would come mow your lawn. I have a mower," DD says.
I give him the most arched eyebrow I can afford him.
"Yeah, but are you going to be around in a year to do that?" I ask snarkily.
He frowns. "Are you assuming that I'm not?"
I roll my eyes. "No, but I'm not hedging my bets and ending up having to a mow a frickin lawn next June."
End of conversation.
So, I am not entirely surprised, but definitely overcome with a sense of unease as DD on Sunday evening lays out the facts...my lease is up in August, he's staying where he's at till he graduates in December, if he gets a 1 year lease in December that means it will be the NEXT summer before we could potentially live together and...
"...and, at some point...I'm going to want to live with you," he finishes.
Urgh.
"How do you feel about that?"
Double urgh.
"There is...a lot...to consider before something like that," I pad. I've been thinking about it. It's not that I haven't. One of the factors in biting the bullet to leave my place and look for te 3-bedroom I've been talking about for 6 months is so that when he has his girls they have a place to stay that isn't my couch. I've been doing recon on finances and living situations with my friends...why, you might ask? So that when this conversation came up MANY MONTHS downt the line, I was prepared for it.
I'm not prepared enough.
We talk for a while about what it would mean - having to discuss finances, etc. and, from a time stand point, I finally say:
"Bottom line is that...we're in the honeymoon phase. We both think that the other one shits sunshine and that's not going to last. We are flawed and you will be thoroughly annoyed by me at some point..." (perhaps it will be my inability to committ without kicking and screaming about it) "...and it takes...time...for those things to manifest."
He agrees but says "I don't know, I just know" with regard to us being something that is going to end with rainbows and bells and heavens parting.
I am quiet. HOW does he know? Am I an asshole for NOT knowing? Shouldn't experience have taught him to take things slow? OR has experience taught him to recognize a good thing when he sees it? Am I really that good of a thing? This seems like a huge amount of build-up for one little redhead to live up to. Also, is my independance dented by the idea of having someone at home? The idea is both appealing and repulsive.
"I have a lot to think about," I finally announce.
He fumbles a response about my search for a new place and I finally close the subject by saying that I would love him to have some input in my new place and he could come with me or look at places with me, but that for the moment, what I want will be what I get. I'll get a place I can afford with or without him, etc. etc. etc.
He agrees with this although I can tell he wants more. I'm flattered and freaked by this. Stop trying to lock me down, man! I said I love you, what more do you WANT from me?
Answer: apparently, everything.
And thus, at midnight, a very eventful 12 hours on one single Sunday has passed.
Sunday's adventure in dating began at 12 noon when DD showed up at my house with his girls, ready to head to the pool for an afternoon of swimming. We packed a strolled and walked down the street, my boyfriend, me and our 3 kids.
The thing I'm liking about having 3 kids in the mix is that the older 2 watch after the younger 1. The bonus is for everyone. The girls feel like they're mothering a toddler. I get to mother a toddler, but also enjoy myself as an adult and play in the pool with the girls and DD. And, I got to lay out with having to keep an eye cracked upon for the 2-year-old who would undoubtedly fall in the pool.
Glorious.
After the pool, we headed back to my house to get ready for father's day dinner. Once the kisd were changed and playing in my son's room, I announced I was going to hop in the shower to get ready.
"Maybe I'll join you," DD said with a wink.
I gave him a look. "There are 3 children in the other room," I reminded him.
Somehow, as I finished conditioning my hair and started to soap up in the shower, DD appears in a suddenly open shower door. I repeat my LOOK.
"They're all playing. And I need to shower too," he says with not even a half-assed attempt at innocence as he gets in and makes a pass at me.
I stubbornly act like I'm going to get clean and get the heck out, when he suddenly steals the loofah from me and turns me away from him.
A few moments later he releases me with a cocky grin on his face.
"That's just a teaser for later," he promises as I try to get my brain to come back online.
I give him a dirty look and get out of the shower to get ready, precious moments lost to shower fun.
When he gets out five minutes later, I find that I'm grinning like an idiot.
"You know what's so great?" I ask. "You can have kids and still have a sex life!"
This makes him laugh, because it's cleary not the world's biggest revelation. I hadn't given it much thought, but I had clearly put on my "mom hat" and taken it off for my "girl hat" as time and dating dictated. I had never thought about how you really integrated the 2. I mean, married couples do it, I'm sure (or maybe they don't and that's where all the sex complaints come from) but I'm nearly giddy to discover we can go play at the pool with our children and then come home and have some discreet sexy playtime and then get ready to go out to dinner with the family. This is blissful madness, I tell you!
We then made a big old blended family step and went to dinner for father's day with all the kids and my father and my sister and her boyfriend.
I had another "holy shit is this for real?" moment at that dinner, especially as I chatted with my dad while DD's youngest played with my son and his oldest made cute little crayon nametags for him. It was DD who rounded up my son as I was paying the bill. Is this what family life is like? Not doing everything on your own?
What else is blended family life like? Having to disperse the children to the corners of the world. We were headed to a Chelsea Handler concert and had to stop at my house to deposit my son with my mother, pick up my friend, then head to deposit HIS kids with THEIR mother before running to Houlihan's to meet the rest of the crew that I was driving to the concert.
I'm riding a high of family and shower sex when, at Houlihan's, DD pulls a coup de grace and pays for everyone's drinks, including my 3 girlfriends. This is a SMART play. I am impressed and proud, the girls are having some instant "you can buy our love" and I just want to jump on him and kiss him. This day is kicking some ass.
We go see a comedy concert with Chelsea Handler that makes me laugh so hard I cry a few times before heading home. I drop all of our friends off at their cars, then we go to retrieve my sleeping son.
We arrive home to a house that somehow the AC has been turned off in and it is flipping HOT. I put my son down, crank the AC and go to my room to see a sweltering DD laying in his underwear on the bed. Visions of shower sex dance in my head, and I unzip my dress and lay down beside him in only my underwear with a "it's so HOT" lament to cover my actions.
"I want to talk to you about something," he says.
I deflate instantly. Son of a bitch.
"Yeah?" I say, wishing I could grab a t-shirt. Why does he catch me at times like this to have "talks?" I can't take a conversation seriously without a bra on.
"I know it's really insanely early to be talking about this, but with your lease up in two months..."
Oh, holy f-er. I knew this was coming. Ever since I got home, and even a couple time before that, he's made elusive vague commments about thinking "crazy things" about me sometimes based on how awesome everything is going between us. These followed with pointed questions about my dream house and how I want to get married have left little to my imagination that, for whatever reason, homeboy thinks he's his a jackpot and he wants to lock this redhead DOWN.
I have been very good at not asking any questions or changing the subject when he's made these comments. However, just the previous day when talking about how I had put in my notice at my townhome and what I was looking for in a new place, we had the following exchange:
"Have you looked at rental houses?" he wanted to know.
"Yes. Prices are good but they have YARDS. I don't want to shovel snow or mow a lawn. I don't have time," I say, having thought about it extensively. There are a lot of things I'm doing on my own wearing my WonderMom cape and being a working single moter...I have no desire to add lawncare to that.
"I would come mow your lawn. I have a mower," DD says.
I give him the most arched eyebrow I can afford him.
"Yeah, but are you going to be around in a year to do that?" I ask snarkily.
He frowns. "Are you assuming that I'm not?"
I roll my eyes. "No, but I'm not hedging my bets and ending up having to a mow a frickin lawn next June."
End of conversation.
So, I am not entirely surprised, but definitely overcome with a sense of unease as DD on Sunday evening lays out the facts...my lease is up in August, he's staying where he's at till he graduates in December, if he gets a 1 year lease in December that means it will be the NEXT summer before we could potentially live together and...
"...and, at some point...I'm going to want to live with you," he finishes.
Urgh.
"How do you feel about that?"
Double urgh.
"There is...a lot...to consider before something like that," I pad. I've been thinking about it. It's not that I haven't. One of the factors in biting the bullet to leave my place and look for te 3-bedroom I've been talking about for 6 months is so that when he has his girls they have a place to stay that isn't my couch. I've been doing recon on finances and living situations with my friends...why, you might ask? So that when this conversation came up MANY MONTHS downt the line, I was prepared for it.
I'm not prepared enough.
We talk for a while about what it would mean - having to discuss finances, etc. and, from a time stand point, I finally say:
"Bottom line is that...we're in the honeymoon phase. We both think that the other one shits sunshine and that's not going to last. We are flawed and you will be thoroughly annoyed by me at some point..." (perhaps it will be my inability to committ without kicking and screaming about it) "...and it takes...time...for those things to manifest."
He agrees but says "I don't know, I just know" with regard to us being something that is going to end with rainbows and bells and heavens parting.
I am quiet. HOW does he know? Am I an asshole for NOT knowing? Shouldn't experience have taught him to take things slow? OR has experience taught him to recognize a good thing when he sees it? Am I really that good of a thing? This seems like a huge amount of build-up for one little redhead to live up to. Also, is my independance dented by the idea of having someone at home? The idea is both appealing and repulsive.
"I have a lot to think about," I finally announce.
He fumbles a response about my search for a new place and I finally close the subject by saying that I would love him to have some input in my new place and he could come with me or look at places with me, but that for the moment, what I want will be what I get. I'll get a place I can afford with or without him, etc. etc. etc.
He agrees with this although I can tell he wants more. I'm flattered and freaked by this. Stop trying to lock me down, man! I said I love you, what more do you WANT from me?
Answer: apparently, everything.
And thus, at midnight, a very eventful 12 hours on one single Sunday has passed.
There! I said it! Now what?
Love strikes you at funny times.
For me, a week after DD first said it to me - giving me due palpitations and sweaty palms - I found myself sharing a low-key Saturday evening with him. We watched "The Voice", did our laundry, I made dinner, and we went for a walk with my son. After hanging out while my son took a bath, he sat on the bed with us while we read a bed time story.
It felt like a life. No pretense. No fluffy stuff and nothing terribly exciting. It was when I walked into my bedroom after putting my son down for the night to find him passed out in my bed, curled up in his underwear on what has become his side of the bed that this crazy thought came past me that I wanted him to be on that side of my bed all the time. As I changed out of the skimpy sundress that I had envision him untying the straps to earlier in the day in favor of a tank top and boxer shorts and climbing into bed with him, I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. He stirred, blinked his eyes open and then closed.
"I passed out," he astutely announced.
I smiled. "I think I love you."
Without opening his eyes, he just smiled.
"I knew you'd say it."
I rolled my eyes, grinning like the fool in sudden love that I was, and grabbed my Nook. I wasn't tired, but my sexy times were thwarted by the l-word and my boyfriend's exhaustion. I read into the night while he slept beside me. It felt good. Easy. Right. All those things that you're supposed to feel. For once, I didn't freak out. I just enjoyed it.
There's always tomorrow to start freaking out.
For me, a week after DD first said it to me - giving me due palpitations and sweaty palms - I found myself sharing a low-key Saturday evening with him. We watched "The Voice", did our laundry, I made dinner, and we went for a walk with my son. After hanging out while my son took a bath, he sat on the bed with us while we read a bed time story.
It felt like a life. No pretense. No fluffy stuff and nothing terribly exciting. It was when I walked into my bedroom after putting my son down for the night to find him passed out in my bed, curled up in his underwear on what has become his side of the bed that this crazy thought came past me that I wanted him to be on that side of my bed all the time. As I changed out of the skimpy sundress that I had envision him untying the straps to earlier in the day in favor of a tank top and boxer shorts and climbing into bed with him, I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. He stirred, blinked his eyes open and then closed.
"I passed out," he astutely announced.
I smiled. "I think I love you."
Without opening his eyes, he just smiled.
"I knew you'd say it."
I rolled my eyes, grinning like the fool in sudden love that I was, and grabbed my Nook. I wasn't tired, but my sexy times were thwarted by the l-word and my boyfriend's exhaustion. I read into the night while he slept beside me. It felt good. Easy. Right. All those things that you're supposed to feel. For once, I didn't freak out. I just enjoyed it.
There's always tomorrow to start freaking out.
Relationship Frisbees
While in Albany, a dear friend was having a mushy moment regarding her gentlemen friend who lives an hour away and had just left her home. I think I was 8 or 9 days away from my OWN gentleman friend and feeling like this teariness over a man was...well, interesting, at least. (or I'm cold-hearted)
"I need to go get my "why men marry bitches..." she says via gchat. "I need to re-read it"
WHAT?! I think.
"Why?" I ask. "What's it about?"
"Hold on, let me go get it," she says. Then, a moment later, having clearly cracked the book open and read a bit. "On second thought, you don't need this book. Nice girls need this book."
Shot to the heart.
I make a joking big deal out of this statement and then google the book to make sure that my friend isn't giving me a big hint that my nice girls days have been traded in for Bitch with a capital "B" days (which would be news to me. I'm tough, but I've always considered myself a nice girl.)
I learn quicly that "bitch" in the title is a gimmick to sell books. The "bitch" is a strong confident woman who does what she wants.
That's kind of bitch I can get on board with. I realize my friend's statement was actually a compliment. (I post the quote on facebook anyway as a loving barb)
Prior to boarding my plane home, and intrigued by the quotes I've read online, I buy the book for my e-reader and read it in its entirety on the way home from upstate NY. There are some retread thoughts but some of the perspective on men, committment phobia, relationships and settling down are fascinating.
My friend is reading the book in order to be less accomodating. She is one of those girls who falls and falls HARD. every. time. No matter how big of a D-bag the last guy was. She's wonderfully, hopelessly romantic. And thus, guys sometimes walk all over her. In her current case, she has been seeing a guy for 4+ months with no sign of buttoning down an exclusive relationship (dammit).
I read that that best way to get a guy to committ is to NOT talk about relationships and committment. The LESS you talk about these things, the more likely you are to secure a man because they think you are confident, not needy, and just looking for fun.
Well, hell, I think. I clearly played my cards wrong here. Son of a bitch. If you take Example A: my friend Chardonney (I'm calling her this becuase of her great men and wine analogy") and Example B: me the book's theories are on display. Committment hesitant me is locked down in a relationship while Chardonney is in limbo with a HOT (I saw a picture...he is HOT) guy. We both met the gents off match, so what's the difference in circumstance.
Alright, there are a couple, but I'm fascinated nonethless.
Another "relationship principle" the book discusses ad nauseum is the idea that men throw "relationship frisbees" to see how far they can push you, where you boundaries are, and how accommodating you ARE going to be. The crux is that when you stand your ground, the man will typically go "oh shit, she's strong. I better work to keep her" and HE is then likely to overcompensate for the frisbee he threw.
I inadvertantly test this with DD when we begin to discuss what we think will be our hot buttons...i.e. possible/probably issues we will disagree on.
I'm a little surprised when he brings up parenting styles. Then I think about it and, luckily, facing away from him (I'm always the little spoon) on the Tuesday after my return home, guess... "You think I'm too easy on him?"
I hadn't thought about it much but I guess context clues have shown DD to have less patience for bad behavior, etc. than I do. I have a 2.5 year old. I could be mad all day long if I wanted to, but I don't want to.
That very night, said 2-year-old had had a major cow with regard to a sudden aversion to bubble baths - one of which I had lovingly fixed for him thinking he would have fun. When a giant tantrum appeared, I let the water out to dissipate the bubbles and refilled the bath. Why? Because it wasn't a big deal for me to do so and I pick my battles.
"You would have let him cry it out?" I say when we discuss the incident as an example.
"Yes. I think you just make it harder on you that it has to be. He knows he can get to you."
And, unexpectedly, I bristle up pretty intensely. Parents are notoriously territorial and I think I feel like he's about to step somewhere that I've claimed as my own.
I keep calm though and explain why I parent the way I parent - which is something I've done with great thought and conscientiousness of the way I want to raise my son.
He says he was probably harsher on his kids than he should have been but that they did okay. He spanked his girls, he reveals.
"This is not a spanking household," I say firmly.
"And I respect that," he counters, but then goes on to defend his way of parenting.
I realize we're stepping into a quagmire.
"Your girls are wonderful," I finally say. "What worked for you, worked for you. I'm just choosing to do it differently."
After a bit more discussion, he finally asks, "how do you see yourself fitting into the girls' lives?"
Ah! The real thing he wants to know...which is NOT, I might add, how I fit in HIS kids lives. He wants to know how he fits in MY kid's life. This is a ballsy conversation to have this early, so I tread carefully but definitively.
"Your kids have parents. You, your ex-wife, their step-dad. They don't want for parents, so I would see myself as their friend," I say. HINT HINT. I continue, "it's different for me and Shorty because this has been the Little Red solo show for the whole gig. I want to incorporate another adult into that...at some point. But it's something that will take time...and we'll just have to feel it out. That is to say, you know how I feel about things. I'm not opposed to you stepping in to help when an opportunity strikes, and I'm not afraid to elbow you in the ribs and tell you get off my toes if you do something I don't like."
Read: get the f up off my parenting business, buddy.
He makes a smooth-over joke about knowing I will put him in his place if I need to and we change the subject but I'm not thrilled with the whole conversation. I feel slightly threatened and a little territorial.
The following night, I'm surprised and delighted as DD nearly trips all over himself to make sure I know that HE knows that I'm a good mom.
"I thought about it...and just because my kids are older and I'm older doesn't mean I know everything," he says when we're in bed at the close of the evening (notice how often we're seeing eachother? and in bed? Yikes!)
Damn skippy, I think toughly at the same time that a more removed internal part of me swoons to know that he's not a bull-headed prick about things like this.
"Maybe I'll learn something from you," he says, clearly attempting to backtrack and make the previos night's discussion all better.
"Maybe we'll learn something from eachother," I counter graciously, truly heartened at the turn of conversation.
Relationship frisbee: thrown and caught. Take that.
"I need to go get my "why men marry bitches..." she says via gchat. "I need to re-read it"
WHAT?! I think.
"Why?" I ask. "What's it about?"
"Hold on, let me go get it," she says. Then, a moment later, having clearly cracked the book open and read a bit. "On second thought, you don't need this book. Nice girls need this book."
Shot to the heart.
I make a joking big deal out of this statement and then google the book to make sure that my friend isn't giving me a big hint that my nice girls days have been traded in for Bitch with a capital "B" days (which would be news to me. I'm tough, but I've always considered myself a nice girl.)
I learn quicly that "bitch" in the title is a gimmick to sell books. The "bitch" is a strong confident woman who does what she wants.
That's kind of bitch I can get on board with. I realize my friend's statement was actually a compliment. (I post the quote on facebook anyway as a loving barb)
Prior to boarding my plane home, and intrigued by the quotes I've read online, I buy the book for my e-reader and read it in its entirety on the way home from upstate NY. There are some retread thoughts but some of the perspective on men, committment phobia, relationships and settling down are fascinating.
My friend is reading the book in order to be less accomodating. She is one of those girls who falls and falls HARD. every. time. No matter how big of a D-bag the last guy was. She's wonderfully, hopelessly romantic. And thus, guys sometimes walk all over her. In her current case, she has been seeing a guy for 4+ months with no sign of buttoning down an exclusive relationship (dammit).
I read that that best way to get a guy to committ is to NOT talk about relationships and committment. The LESS you talk about these things, the more likely you are to secure a man because they think you are confident, not needy, and just looking for fun.
Well, hell, I think. I clearly played my cards wrong here. Son of a bitch. If you take Example A: my friend Chardonney (I'm calling her this becuase of her great men and wine analogy") and Example B: me the book's theories are on display. Committment hesitant me is locked down in a relationship while Chardonney is in limbo with a HOT (I saw a picture...he is HOT) guy. We both met the gents off match, so what's the difference in circumstance.
Alright, there are a couple, but I'm fascinated nonethless.
Another "relationship principle" the book discusses ad nauseum is the idea that men throw "relationship frisbees" to see how far they can push you, where you boundaries are, and how accommodating you ARE going to be. The crux is that when you stand your ground, the man will typically go "oh shit, she's strong. I better work to keep her" and HE is then likely to overcompensate for the frisbee he threw.
I inadvertantly test this with DD when we begin to discuss what we think will be our hot buttons...i.e. possible/probably issues we will disagree on.
I'm a little surprised when he brings up parenting styles. Then I think about it and, luckily, facing away from him (I'm always the little spoon) on the Tuesday after my return home, guess... "You think I'm too easy on him?"
I hadn't thought about it much but I guess context clues have shown DD to have less patience for bad behavior, etc. than I do. I have a 2.5 year old. I could be mad all day long if I wanted to, but I don't want to.
That very night, said 2-year-old had had a major cow with regard to a sudden aversion to bubble baths - one of which I had lovingly fixed for him thinking he would have fun. When a giant tantrum appeared, I let the water out to dissipate the bubbles and refilled the bath. Why? Because it wasn't a big deal for me to do so and I pick my battles.
"You would have let him cry it out?" I say when we discuss the incident as an example.
"Yes. I think you just make it harder on you that it has to be. He knows he can get to you."
And, unexpectedly, I bristle up pretty intensely. Parents are notoriously territorial and I think I feel like he's about to step somewhere that I've claimed as my own.
I keep calm though and explain why I parent the way I parent - which is something I've done with great thought and conscientiousness of the way I want to raise my son.
He says he was probably harsher on his kids than he should have been but that they did okay. He spanked his girls, he reveals.
"This is not a spanking household," I say firmly.
"And I respect that," he counters, but then goes on to defend his way of parenting.
I realize we're stepping into a quagmire.
"Your girls are wonderful," I finally say. "What worked for you, worked for you. I'm just choosing to do it differently."
After a bit more discussion, he finally asks, "how do you see yourself fitting into the girls' lives?"
Ah! The real thing he wants to know...which is NOT, I might add, how I fit in HIS kids lives. He wants to know how he fits in MY kid's life. This is a ballsy conversation to have this early, so I tread carefully but definitively.
"Your kids have parents. You, your ex-wife, their step-dad. They don't want for parents, so I would see myself as their friend," I say. HINT HINT. I continue, "it's different for me and Shorty because this has been the Little Red solo show for the whole gig. I want to incorporate another adult into that...at some point. But it's something that will take time...and we'll just have to feel it out. That is to say, you know how I feel about things. I'm not opposed to you stepping in to help when an opportunity strikes, and I'm not afraid to elbow you in the ribs and tell you get off my toes if you do something I don't like."
Read: get the f up off my parenting business, buddy.
He makes a smooth-over joke about knowing I will put him in his place if I need to and we change the subject but I'm not thrilled with the whole conversation. I feel slightly threatened and a little territorial.
The following night, I'm surprised and delighted as DD nearly trips all over himself to make sure I know that HE knows that I'm a good mom.
"I thought about it...and just because my kids are older and I'm older doesn't mean I know everything," he says when we're in bed at the close of the evening (notice how often we're seeing eachother? and in bed? Yikes!)
Damn skippy, I think toughly at the same time that a more removed internal part of me swoons to know that he's not a bull-headed prick about things like this.
"Maybe I'll learn something from you," he says, clearly attempting to backtrack and make the previos night's discussion all better.
"Maybe we'll learn something from eachother," I counter graciously, truly heartened at the turn of conversation.
Relationship frisbee: thrown and caught. Take that.
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