Relationship Frisbees

While in Albany, a dear friend was having a mushy moment regarding her gentlemen friend who lives an hour away and had just left her home. I think I was 8 or 9 days away from my OWN gentleman friend and feeling like this teariness over a man was...well, interesting, at least. (or I'm cold-hearted)

"I need to go get my "why men marry bitches..." she says via gchat. "I need to re-read it"

WHAT?! I think.

"Why?" I ask. "What's it about?"

"Hold on, let me go get it," she says. Then, a moment later, having clearly cracked the book open and read a bit. "On second thought, you don't need this book. Nice girls need this book."

Shot to the heart.

I make a joking big deal out of this statement and then google the book to make sure that my friend isn't giving me a big hint that my nice girls days have been traded in for Bitch with a capital "B" days (which would be news to me. I'm tough, but I've always considered myself a nice girl.)

I learn quicly that "bitch" in the title is a gimmick to sell books. The "bitch" is a strong confident woman who does what she wants.

That's kind of bitch I can get on board with. I realize my friend's statement was actually a compliment. (I post the quote on facebook anyway as a loving barb)

Prior to boarding my plane home, and intrigued by the quotes I've read online, I buy the book for my e-reader and read it in its entirety on the way home from upstate NY. There are some retread thoughts but some of the perspective on men, committment phobia, relationships and settling down are fascinating.

My friend is reading the book in order to be less accomodating. She is one of those girls who falls and falls HARD. every. time. No matter how big of a D-bag the last guy was. She's wonderfully, hopelessly romantic. And thus, guys sometimes walk all over her. In her current case, she has been seeing a guy for 4+ months with no sign of buttoning down an exclusive relationship (dammit).

I read that that best way to get a guy to committ is to NOT talk about relationships and committment. The LESS you talk about these things, the more likely you are to secure a man because they think you are confident, not needy, and just looking for fun.

Well, hell, I think. I clearly played my cards wrong here. Son of a bitch. If you take Example A: my friend Chardonney (I'm calling her this becuase of her great men and wine analogy") and Example B: me the book's theories are on display. Committment hesitant me is locked down in a relationship while Chardonney is in limbo with a HOT (I saw a picture...he is HOT) guy. We both met the gents off match, so what's the difference in circumstance.

Alright, there are a couple, but I'm fascinated nonethless.

Another "relationship principle" the book discusses ad nauseum is the idea that men throw "relationship frisbees" to see how far they can push you, where you boundaries are, and how accommodating you ARE going to be. The crux is that when you stand your ground, the man will typically go "oh shit, she's strong. I better work to keep her" and HE is then likely to overcompensate for the frisbee he threw.

I inadvertantly test this with DD when we begin to discuss what we think will be our hot buttons...i.e. possible/probably issues we will disagree on.

I'm a little surprised when he brings up parenting styles. Then I think about it and, luckily, facing away from him (I'm always the little spoon) on the Tuesday after my return home, guess... "You think I'm too easy on him?"

I hadn't thought about it much but I guess context clues have shown DD to have less patience for bad behavior, etc. than I do. I have a 2.5 year old. I could be mad all day long if I wanted to, but I don't want to.

That very night, said 2-year-old had had a major cow with regard to a sudden aversion to bubble baths - one of which I had lovingly fixed for him thinking he would have fun. When a giant tantrum appeared, I let the water out to dissipate the bubbles and refilled the bath. Why? Because it wasn't a big deal for me to do so and I pick my battles.

"You would have let him cry it out?" I say when we discuss the incident as an example.

"Yes. I think you just make it harder on you that it has to be. He knows he can get to you."

And, unexpectedly, I bristle up pretty intensely. Parents are notoriously territorial and I think I feel like he's about to step somewhere that I've claimed as my own.

I keep calm though and explain why I parent the way I parent - which is something I've done with great thought and conscientiousness of the way I want to raise my son.

He says he was probably harsher on his kids than he should have been but that they did okay. He spanked his girls, he reveals.

"This is not a spanking household," I say firmly.

"And I respect that," he counters, but then goes on to defend his way of parenting.

I realize we're stepping into a quagmire.

"Your girls are wonderful," I finally say. "What worked for you, worked for you. I'm just choosing to do it differently."

After a bit more discussion, he finally asks, "how do you see yourself fitting into the girls' lives?"

Ah! The real thing he wants to know...which is NOT, I might add, how I fit in HIS kids lives. He wants to know how he fits in MY kid's life. This is a ballsy conversation to have this early, so I tread carefully but definitively.

"Your kids have parents. You, your ex-wife, their step-dad. They don't want for parents, so I would see myself as their friend," I say. HINT HINT. I continue, "it's different for me and Shorty because this has been the Little Red solo show for the whole gig. I want to incorporate another adult into that...at some point. But it's something that will take time...and we'll just have to feel it out. That is to say, you know how I feel about things. I'm not opposed to you stepping in to help when an opportunity strikes, and I'm not afraid to elbow you in the ribs and tell you get off my toes if you do something I don't like."

Read: get the f up off my parenting business, buddy.

He makes a smooth-over joke about knowing I will put him in his place if I need to and we change the subject but I'm not thrilled with the whole conversation. I feel slightly threatened and a little territorial.

The following night, I'm surprised and delighted as DD nearly trips all over himself to make sure I know that HE knows that I'm a good mom.

"I thought about it...and just because my kids are older and I'm older doesn't mean I know everything," he says when we're in bed at the close of the evening (notice how often we're seeing eachother? and in bed? Yikes!)

Damn skippy, I think toughly at the same time that a more removed internal part of me swoons to know that he's not a bull-headed prick about things like this.

"Maybe I'll learn something from you," he says, clearly attempting to backtrack and make the previos night's discussion all better.

"Maybe we'll learn something from eachother," I counter graciously, truly heartened at the turn of conversation.

Relationship frisbee: thrown and caught. Take that.