The Jury Is Out

I've got a funny feeling about this SmartyPants. Not a bad one. Not a totally awesomely good one.

Bravely, SmartyPants accepted the offer to join my friends and me for happy hour/half-price burgers at a local bar and grill that we frequent near my home. Props to him for that. It is no small thing to subject yourself to 7 of a girl's friends. He showed up, made a couple jokes that got big laughs, stared off a bit awkwardly a few times, but overall was fine.

Something I learned about myself? I'm not good at babysitting boys. I say this only because I am a GREAT person to take a new person under my wing at the table and make sure they're talked to, etc., but I found myself feeling conflicted between wanting to talk to my friends and including SmartyPants in the conversations. I don't like feeling like I'm babysitting, but luckily he ended up sitting next to a couple of smartass gal pals who got along with him just fine and helped me out in that respect.

That blankface of his is quickly going to annoy me because I can't tell what he's thinking or whether he's utterly bored or this is just the emotion-concealing face of choice.

At any rate, we ended up picking up the two gal pals plus a guy friend because I had an extra ticket and made out way to Starlight Theatre for the Arcade Fire concert. I gave everyone a brief tour of my office - of which SmartyPants seemed unimpressed - and as I continued to try and engage him in conversation he was snarky, which was fine, but I also felt like I had invited him to my home away from home of sorts and he was somewhat nonplussed.

I guess I'm prouder of my theatre than I realized...or...or I expected a different reaction.

I learn as we take our place eight rows from the back of the 8000 person theatre (Little Red FAIL - I didn't know I had GA seats for this show instead of my usual sweet close seats) he continues to look slightly uncomfortable.

I finally ask "are you a concert go-er?" I perhaps should have asked this sooner, but I assumed he was just not Arcade Fire's biggest fan rather than assume he had agreed to join me just for the sake of joining me.

"I can count the number of concerts I've attended on one hand" he says (and later revealed his last concert was Def Leppard/Billy Idol - a far cry from the night's indie-hipster vibe)

Well, shit, I think.

"So, I should be flattered that you're here?" I say charmingly instead.

"Yes!" he says, smiling genuinely for the first time. "Not to mention I had free tickets to a Royals game tonight!"

Well, double shit. Now there's a lot riding on his enjoyment of this evening - and I think he's only here because of me. This was a bad move on his part. I'm just saying. I'm not going to NOT have fun at a concert you willingly accepted an invitation to.

Although, I feel a little awkward having fun as he stands, expressionless and unmoving, through the entire concert.

He's fine with me - smiles, couple kisses, pinched my butt at least twice - all the makings of two people warming up to eachother physically - but this is clearly CLEARLY not his cup of tea.

And, I threw my friends into the mix, which, in retrospect, I should have maybe given my friends the tickets and let them come on their own BUT I get free parking and there was just no reason in the world not to drive them. Plus, they appeared to be having fun.

When my friends go away to get beers, SmartyPants leans over and says, "I just want you to know that I'm going to require some alone time with you tonight."

This is the most engaged he's been. We so a little sexual banter, leading up to him making fun of the way I'm sitting - which is decidedly un-lady-like.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm no lady," I say with a smirk.

"I've felt otherwise," he says.

I, somehow, don't blush, but instead keep my smirk in place and retort quickly "lady parts intact, but I'm not your typical girl."

"Are we going to fight about who wears the pants in this relationship?"

"I could wear the pants," I say.

"As long as they come off at the end of the night, I'm okay with that," he says.

I shut up. I have been out-sassed.

"We could come up with a sign and sneak into my office and make-out on the futon" I say after a few minutes.

I have no intention of missing the concert - which is MY fault. He's clearly attended thinking there was some make-out benefit to him, ESPECIALLY after I left him high and dry the last go-round, and I sent a text early in the day with a "fair warning, I can't stay out late I have a 7AM board meeting" which I thought was considerate and a fair way to set his expectations of the day.

What to do when you lead a busy life? It impedes these moments. I could have stayed the night last time but let's talk about that:

a) i don't know how many people this boy is sleeping with or dating
b) i don't have a total beat on this boy
c) i had a babysitter
d) i have to WORK in the morning and I need a LITTLE sleep to function on

I haven't set a firm thought in my head regarding the timeline of sleeping with someone versus integrating them into my family life (i.e. meeting my son to see if the person goes screaming into the night) mostly becuase I don't know. I keep waiting for some epiphany, but I'm not having one. My gut says - I could go ahead and mess around with SmartyPants but perhaps that's where it would stop. I would somehow turn him into non-relationship fodder and keep him out of my LIFE (my real life - the one where I blearily stumble to take my son to the potty at 7 AM and/or change and do laundry at 1 AM when the toddler has an accident) and maybe that would be fine. The physical chemistry is THERE, but I feel something elusive on the emotional end on this particular date.

Moreover, as we depart at the end of the night, I drop the friends and there cars and we sit in my car and make-out a little, I feel he is, not "put out" persay but really disappointed that he can't convince me to come up north with him (hello! long drive!) or that we're restricted to the car and a brief make-out (becuase, dammit, my mother has to wake up at 4 AM and is probably sleeping on my couch waiting for me to show up and relieve her!)

On one-hand, WAHOO! Someone thinks I'm a hot mama and can't keep their hands off me.

I also would like more hands on HIM I think - and breathlessly say "dammit! what are you doing Saturday?"

He pulls back with a laugh and says "you've got to give me more notice. I'm booked up till, like, Tuesday."

Well. Huh. What are you booked up with there, SmartyPants? I know you randomly joined a softball league with which you will be practicing on Monday, but what's got your Friday and Saturday AND Sunday nights all buttoned down?

I make the irrational assumption based on this comment and the texting he did through the concert that he must be seeing three other girls.

Pot meet kettle: yes, I have a date with another dude on Friday night! So!?

"Dammit," is all I say out loud through this moment of inner turmoil.

"I'm not worried about it," he says by way of soothing me. I think he means "I know I'll see you again, I still like you, don't worry." I'm still inner-turmoiling/moving into wondering if I'm having a classic date 5 freak-out/where do we go from here? Luckily, he gets out of the car a bit awkwardly, calls me "dear" at least twice which I decide I don't really like, and is gone.

I drive home, decide not to text him. He doesn't text me. Stinker date. Half-good, half-dud.

What I DON'T know is if this is MY fault becuase my brain his clicked into that gray zone of the dating timeline where it's not just getting to know you fun stuff but, but, darn it all, there is some talk that needs to happen regarding what the next step is?

What is the next step? I'm not entirely sure, but I think HIS next step is getting in my pants and, morally, I'm not opposed to this, but I think I have a personal decision to make here, folks.

I need to go back and read that "Ride the Wave" post - or call my friend and let her tell me to "not freak out" as she promised to do what I reach THIS point.

I'm VERY excited about my Friday date though. Naturally, DD texted whilst I was at the concert next to SmartyPants last night.

Oh. My. God. I have become my ex-boyfriend.

Once upon a time in the terribly painful months following the implosion of my first significant relationship with once-love-of-my-life/now-best-friend/still-he-who-i-compare-all-boys-to, i remember having a conversation with HIM and he said "I just love the first part of a relationship where it's all exciting and uncomplicated" and I thought it was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard becuase I was still madly horribly in love with him and he didn't want me and I couldn't comprehend why. Why would anyone not want to feel the immense vulnerability of love? Why wouldn't you want someone to know you inside-out?

Answer: becuase the risk for rejection early is high, and the burnout from rejection later is devastating.

I'll wax a little philosophical today: how can one who loves so many so easily, so fervently have such trouble allowing a connection to form with a potential romantic partner?

I don't have an answer to that today.

Or maybe it's all SmartyPants' fault and he needs to give me a little more to go on than the only thing I DEFINITELY strongly feel from him without question which is "i like making out with you and would like to do more" Got that message, loud and clear. Try another.

Jury's out.