This morning I have a small delimma, but let me rewind to catch you up on the goings ons of last weekend.
Friday date was with DD. It. was. awesome. We met at Mac's Sports Bar in Overland Park - a little further north than I typically go out in the OP area but I was game for something new and appreciative of him having no problem picking a place and a time.
Great thing # 1 - he was CUTER in person than his pictures. I gather this to be a rare occurence. In pictures, he has dark hair, a longish (ugh) ginger goatee and is a tad heavyset. In real life, his hair and goatee are nicel trimmed, he's leaner and looks like he could be watching rugby at a pub in Ireland.
Great thing # 2 - he takes one look at me from head to toe, looks slightly flabbergasted and says "you look amazing. I feel underdressed."
We sit on the patio even though it's a little cool and chat about work, which segways to music since I work at a concert venue, which segways to sports of which we are both avid Chiefs fans. I find out more meaningful things in the first short hour about him than I have in 5 dates with Smartypants. What's more, the conversation has more CONTENT to it - we cover his backstory and mine, I find out he was in the Marines for 4 years out of school. He married his high school sweetheart who he met in youthgroup (which I take as a context clue that he was religious at SOME point at least). They met at 15 and while I can't suss out when they got divorced, I quickly rule out that he might be on the rebound trail when he mentioned that she is remarried.
We discuss lots but here are the highlights:
He has 2 daughters of whom he was the primary parent for at least 6 years. They are 9 and 10 now and clearly mean the world to him.
He is an accountant finishing up a degree in a accounting. He works for an accounting firm that is no a CPA firm (this means nothing to me, but that's what he said) and is trying to decide what he wants to do when he graduates - work for a firm or be in a CFO-type position to make better money or make less money and focus more on his homelife. (as someone making a sufficient amount of money and still focused on her homelife, I disagree that it's poor and happy or rich and miserable, but that's just me)
He has a great relationship with his ex and thinks she is a wonderful mother, but is clear to say that there relationship is not a personal one and only related to their girls. She became the primary parent of the kids when she came into some money after the death of a family member and was able to work from home.
He loves live music, and, as I suspected from his pictures, his tastes run towards indie, rock, and hard rock. He says he's been to lots of Ozzfests. I say I've never been to one, but I did go to a Rockfest once. As I've come to learn from other actual rock aficianados, he turns his nose up a little at this becuase Rockfest hosts the like of "Nickleback" which seems to be the bane of any real "rockers" musical existence.
His favorite Chiefs player is Tony Gonzales, who is my SECOND favorite Chiefs player.
When we move inside for a second drink, the conversation turns to dating at I think he's awesome but clearly automatically wonder why an awesome person is on match.com (self deprecation at its finest).
"I'm not going to meet people in bars. I have kids. I want to meet a person of substance. That's what I like about you...you're clearly a person of great substance"
This may be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me. He goes on to muddle around the fact that things didn't work out with his ex-wife because she didn't "get him."
My red flag radar perks up at this statement and goes quickly to a dark place of thinking of guys I've known who make similar statements. They're usually arrogant tool bags who think they're too cool for everyone else.
"Can you elaborate on that?" I ask.
He tries to and it basically sounds like he's conflicted between being a MAN with a capital "M" that was in the military and likes sports and does MANLY things and also being clearly a bit of a softy and an intellectual and VERY family oriented.
"In the dating world,"I surmise helpfully, "you often to have define yourself as ONE thing, and when you are two things from opposite ends of the spectrum that's really hard. Say if you are "responsible mother" but also "fun lover" - its hard to convey that without having to pick one or the other to promote yourself as and typically finding people who only like one or the other but not both in the same person"
His eyes widen and he says "Thank you for saying it better than I was."
We look at eachother and have a moment of shared understanding which makes my heart flutter.
We talk about our families. He has a strained relationship with his Dad and brother and oldest sister (who are FIFTEEN year older than him) but a good relationship with his sister who is a nurse. His mom died when he was just out of high school but I can tell he loved her a lot and misses her constantly. He dilvuges she was a red head. My mom is a nurse and sister is a social worker, so we gush on the emotional fortitude of our respective family members, which leads me to say "I'm making myself sound downright weak comparatively" as I lament that I don't have the same emotional fortitude as them and would cry all the time in their jobs.
He shakes his head. "Don't say that. Don't dismiss what you're doing. You're working a high-pressure job and all that goes along with that and still coming home and being a mom to a little guy and that's no small thing."
I turn around to see if there's a cupid standing on the bar who has just shot a damn arrow in my back.
To cap it all off, he walks me outside after I say I'd like to "to be continued" the evening and talks about what we can do next and if we have to wait a whole week to see one another and could we maybe do lunch midweek. He asks about activities I like, and while I warn that I suck at many activities due to relative lack of coordination and skill, I also say I'm up for anything. I appreciate that he's thinking ahead and thinking of things to DO that don't just involve sitting around drinking (or, as I think in my head, the proverbial "snuggle" that SmartyPants keeps asking for)
He hugs me sincerely, tightly, and pulls back to look at me. Instead of kissing me he says "you smell so good. I can't wait to see you again"
"Me either," I hear myself say, willing him to kiss me at the same time appreciating that he hasn't.
We smile at eachother and he heads for his car and I head for mine, grinning like an idiot.
I proceed, that fine Friday eve, to denounce Smartypants. I leave voicemails for friends touting his impending trip to the curb becuase of how shown up he just was. I got out with friends and blab about how curbside his ass is.
But by Saturday, I'm down from high and not sure that a) I know how to kick him curbside with any semblence of grace and b) that it's smart to hedge my bets after one date.
However, SmartyPants does NOT help his case Saturday.
Saturday morning DD texts and says "I hope I'm not too forward, but I thought this would be fun. May 13th is 96.5's adult "prom" at the Midland. Three bands. I thought you might dig it. So, woudl you be my prom date?"
I LOVE THIS. I can't write in capital letters or bold them enough to express how much I love this. It's 3 fricking weeks away and I still LOVE THIS. Let me count the ways: it shows initiative, it's interesting, it shows he's absorbed my interests and has aligned it with one of his own.
I say yes, and then a subsequent yes to a Wednesday lunch date. (I also love THIS because it's not afraid of a day date.) "I'm looking forward to getting to know you better" he says, and I hop in a pool with my 2-year-old for Saturday morning swim lessons swooning.
Smartypants, but comparison, texts later that day as I am heading to the dinner theatre with my mother to see "The Odd Couple."
"Just wanted to let you know you crossed my mind," the text says.
Well, I think, thank you, Smartypants. Thank you for deigning to let me cross your mind, and what's more, for texting me to tell me as much 4 days after our last date.
"How's your Saturday going?" I ask though.
"Very well," he says with what is becoming typical elusiveness. I read an article about "free information" that smart daters put out there. That is, when someone asks you a question like "how's your Saturday?" you have an opportunity to share fun things about yourself thereby deepening your partner's knowledge of yourself and the connection between you.
Hence, when he asks "yours?" I say "I'm on my way to the dinner theatre. Had fun today coloring easter eggs. An excellent day thus far."
See what I did here? I restablished my love for theatre and going out. I also acknowledged my love of holidays (which I am a fruitcake about, admittedly).
I get no other text, but I get busy and don't worry about it except to watch "The Odd Couple" and decide that the two boys I am not seeing are an odd couple indeed.
SmartyPants = 26 years old, unmarried, no kids
DD = 32 years old, divorced, 2 kids
And right now, SmartyPants, the 32-year-old is outgaming you.
DD and I confirm our Wednesday date on Monday via the facebook after I post a picture from work of me and Kevin Bacon from a recent work event.
"Your hair looks amazing in that picture with that red dress," he compliments. I reiterate my excitement for seeing him Wednesday.
To note, he didn't text Sunday, but did say "I hope you had a nice Easter." This is a nice balance of attention versus smothering.
SmartyPants since Sunday has been posting some decidedly emo things on his Facebook wall. People seem to be fawning over whatever conflict he's going through, but I know he's not a facebooker and wonder (GOD I'M VAIN) if he's trying to draw me out somehow. By Tuesday a facebook post that says simply "sigh" does draw me out.
"You are rocking some seriously angst fbook posts" I text in the afternoon when I can't work any longer at my job stuff without going cross-eyed.
"Thanks, lol," he says.
I sigh. Typical.
"It's from the lack of love lately" comes the next text.
I bristle. WTF. No, more firmly, WHAT. THE. FUCK.
"you're the one who was busy all weekend."
"Whatever, miss busy pants."
Oh, no sir, you don't know who you're messing with.
" "I'm booked till Tuesday" " I quote back at him mercilessly. For REAL? You're going to act like somehow I've dropped some ball or you're some wounded party after telling me STRAIGHT UP that you were "booked" for nearly a week after our last date, and then offering NO info as to what you were booked with, not even a smart, dismissive "i'm buried in work" like I am so kind to supply when that's the case???
"lol, i'm not booked now," is what comes back.
Laugh it up, Chuckles.
"come on over....snuggle and enjoy some bad wine."
I'm sorry, SmartyPants, I know you can't know that I'm reading this and comparing you to another person. That's probably a douche move on my part. Becuase, you can't know that in my head, I'm thinking about your little invitation compared to an invitation to an adult prom where I get to dress up for fun and watch bands. And bad wine and a snuggle in BFE north of the river with little consideration of my time, where my child is, or ANYTHING, is NOT. HOT.
I talk myself off the ledge though and reply "HA! well, now, I'M booked...have a bday dinner tonight"
"See...busy. :-P"
I'm having shades of "grats" in my mind. Smartass is fun. It's cute. I'm a smartass more often than I'm NOT a smartass. But my smartassyness has limits. And I'm seeing that it is possible to connect on some emotional level on a first date (which I wasn't sure I thought was possible) and after 5 dates, I still don't know what you want...outside of getting in my pants.
Perhaps I'm being too hard on him. Perhaps this is just all part of the magic Little Red committment freak out.
At any rate, I don't text him back. I'm operating under the principle of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
At dinner that night with my friends, another text comes through:
"So when is the lovely [Little Red] not busy?"
Oh, look how that tone has changed!
I'm skeptical and busy and have a beer and a half in me.
"What did you have in mind?" I ask dipomatically, giving him a fair chance to impress me.
"Anything involving me hanging out with you."
Ugh. Ughsicle. Maybe it shouldn't be an ughsicle, but it feels like a giant sticky ughsicle shoved somewhere uncomfortable.
I don't respond, thinking I will when I get home that night. When I do get home, I consider my availability for the week, which consists of Friday and Saturday night, but my son is gone Saturday night for a night away with his grandparents so I really only have Saturday night ALL to myself.
And THUS, after a long long LONG post, we are at the Wednesday morning dating quandary.
One free night. Two boys. One getting a date today.
Now, by all the hemming and hawing, you may think the choice is easy, BUT, I'm still in that asshole "don't hedge your bets" thing. I called and presented my quandary to a friend this morning, who luckily is my soulmate and knew what I was asking without me having to say the douchebag words out loud.
"So, I'd wait till you have lunch today and see how that goes with DD, then feel out his weekend. If he's free hang out with him, if not, then you still have SmartyPants as a backup" she says.
"AH!" I lament. "That's such a jerk move. To have a backup. Poor Smartypants. You have been demoted to backup."
This also lead to an interesting brief discussion on how to EXIT a non-relationship. Not that I'm TOTALLY ready to jump ship, but...with Stage 5 Clinger, I just stopped talking to him. That was 3 dates in.
This is 6 dates in, 3 months of talking, and some seriously heavy making-out. That seems to mean I have to at least have an exit conversation - whatever that looks like. My friend thinks that I should maybe just be unavailable and talk less and he'll take a hint. This sounds like an easy route, but also a less direct and not as graceful out.
Where are the manuals on this?! I think I'll go google it now before I meet DD for lunch in an hour and a half. Before you get IN....guess you should know how to get OUT.
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