I have been on the match for almost exactly a month which means that I'm taking stock of what I've accomplished in a month:
Date: 4 (per my goal of an average 1 per week)
Emails: 15
Winks: 16
Then I also took stock of what Match calls the "daily 5" which is basically 5 guys they throw at you to say "yes" "no" or "maybe" to that match, like, three characteristics with you that match deems important. ("Like you, he's an oldest child" - really? this is true love? me and a BILLION other people, match, thank you)
It has not gone unnoticed by me that I know refer to the website as simply "match" and that it has become an entity that I both resent, have feelings about, love and hate in equal turn. (i.e. "damn you, match, and your fickle participants!")
Anyhow, it keeps track of your daily 5 responses. You could get 5 new guys every single day if you signed in -which i was noticing a lot of guys do - so that's, what, 150 guys I could have looked at in the past 30 days? I did not look at that many. I find it impossible to sign on as much as I probably should. It's one of my goals for month 2 - to increase signing in. Anyhow, of all those guys, I apparently say no to 2/3 of them, maybe to the other approximate 1/3, and i've said "yes" as in just "yes, i'm interested in this person based off the five things you've put forth about them" TWICE!
Holy crap, people! I AM the problem!
No, I'm not the problem, but I'm also not currently the solution. I was lamenting the fact that - oh, shit, I've already forgotten my nickname for him - uh...Smarty Pants (I can only think of his ACTUAL name, which is probably a good sign!) hadn't messaged me back in two days, including the weekend, where he very clearly said that he was doing NOTHING, and then I sign on to match today to see that he's apparently been "active in the last 24 hours" ("damn you, match, and your TMI!")
Now, granted, I didn't write him back for two days last week, but I had work. And I said as much.
The firefighter dude has ALSO not messaged me back - apparently my stock fell the past couple of days for whatever reason. Or, I am WAY less witty and charming via email than I am in person (this is not true. I think i'm actually MUCH wittier and charming in writing than in person)
Hrmph.
This is also not helped by the fact that IIIII have stopped responded to Iowa, because, frankly, it's not going anywhere. He's boring and I'll die of boredom. I refuse to date someone that I don't spark with. Ever. Again. I mean, 1 date, okay? 2-3 dates, maybe if there's some further recon to accomplish.
I will NOT, however, try to make something out of nothing.
However, my high "no" and "maybe" statistics lead me to believe that I have some given over to a state of pickyness that my current reading material ("Kiss and Run: The Single, Pick and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Commitment" and, just tonight, "Cant Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed Up Love") leads me to believe are indicators of that wall that I so furiously denied a few posts down, or an unwillingness to give someone a chance that I don't immediately hear angel choruses in response to.
Oh, dear, I think I've found my spectrum. I'm on one end of it instead of doing that moderation that that folks talk to highly about and being somewhere happily in the middle of "picky-going-to-die-alone" and "do-you-have-a-penis-and-two-to-four-legs?"
To be fair, I did the latter with great gusto for a solid year in a post break-up with my first love. I regret none of it.
Likewise, I think I'm coming off the former more recently due to my single motherhood status and the creeping celibacy anniversaries.
Logically, I can handle both of these. One, I have come to terms with my single motherhood. I don't feel self-conscious about it anymore the way I did a year into it when I couldn't quite separate my "mom" role from my "girl" role (how do married women do it!?!?) My only hang up currently that relates to this little dating escapade is the time commitment. However, again, my current reading materials say I can date at whatever pace I like - including my one date a week average that my brain feels comfortable with (TAKE THAT STAGE 5 CLINGER)
The celibacy? The celibacy, I posit, presents only a small amount of performance anxiety compounded mostly by a just-below-the-surface rage of hormones that has recently only been handled through the reading of romance novels while running on a treadmill (seriously, i can run longer and faster while reading sex scenes than I have ever done in my year long foray into running...it's A.MAZ.ING) Now, again, I'll be fair and say my hangup here is my unwillingness to sleep with anyone that I don't feel pretty strongly is going to break the years long (oh! that pains me to say!) dearth of serious hanky panky (mild hanky panky exluded - I'm talking all in. Forgive the pun) and knock it out of the park. I.e. the words have come out of my mouth "if i thought it wasn't going to be good, i wouldn't do it all. because when i do it, you damn well better believe, it. will. be. good."
That's a lot of pressure on some unknown dude to make sparks fly.
My best gay friends says I need to take care of this latter issue in order to not have that be a subconscious part of my judgment of suitors. I own a book called "Sex and the Single Mom" I appreciate it. It's just not what I want to do right now. I maintained a year ago that I would NOT be having of the sex until I was happily in a secure, committed relationship.
Then I got myself one of those with a really great guy who was smart, nice, kind, appreciated my kid, etc. etc. etc. and I didn't/couldn't have sex with him.
I tried to attack dating the opposite way of my pre-baby world (which was chiefly linked to sexual attraction/no emotional connection) by finding someone great, trying to form an emotional attachment with the idea that the sexual would, you know, come (i'm really onto the puns today. forgive me) Lesson learned: that don't work.
So, I'm touching a little on the last post of logistics, but now I've thrown sex and, oh, maybe openness? availability? willingness? pick a word, i need to find a little of it.
And, by this cute guy that I actually think I might really like NOT messaging me quick enough (after complaining about you-know-who's hyper speed communiques! oh, fickle woman, thy hair is red!) I realize that I need to spend the good old Month 2 - February - VALENTINE'S DAY month, for cripe's sake, being and acting a little more open to love. Taking the rejections impersonally (as another late read "How to Start Conversations and Make Friends" implored) and moving on with a sincere openness and willingness to meet someone.
PS, I am not spending all my free time reading self-help books. I got a NookColor for Christmas and I find it the best thing that ever happened to me when lying next to my two-year-old trying to get him to go to sleep.
So, match is the other site I have pulled up right now at 12:31 in the AM before a giant snow storm shuts down my state tomorrow...I think I'll go do a little trolling with a little more "yes" on my lips than "maybe."
UPDATE: SmartyPants just emailed me! Hooray for the power of positive thinking (although part me just really thinks men have a sixth sense for when a woman starts to move on)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Love and Logistics
A very nice looking gentlemen "winked" at me a couple days ago, and I did what I have made my process: checked all his photos for consistency (stage 5 clinger was cute but the pictures were also clearly a few years old), then read the profile for any red flags ("conservative" and "country" tend to be turnoff words for me) and then checked location. This nice looking guy who builds tractors or something lived in Wellsville Kansas. I had to google it to see that it is actually southwest of Gardner - a small town that is about 30 minutes from me. He also had a kid about my own son's age (two). Now, I like the idea of a guy with a kid because he'll understand what it means to, you know, have a kid and the time constraints that you work under (those of you without kids just won't get it until you do - that's a fact)
However, I took stock of all of these details and made a snap decision to not wink back. Becuase - he had a kid and lives 40 minutes away. I have a kid and live here. That was never going to work.
Part of the reason I like the idea of match.com is that you CAN disclaimer things like that up front. What if I had met this cute guy when he was in KC for the weekend having a beer at Barley's with his buddies? Let's say I moseyed up to the bar (okay, I don't really "mosey" anywhere, but for the story's sake, let's say I didn't walk with purpose as I usually do which is not sexy) and we start chatting, exchange slightly tipsy pleasantries, it comes out that he's from Wellsville and my red flag-o-meter goes off but I think nothing of it and we exchange numbers. We text (since chatting on the phone is a thing of the past) and then, much later, I find out he has a child, and he finds out I have a child (because this is not something I drop first thing either) and we both think "this is never going to work"
That seems a bit fruitless - but I'm also young, and maybe I need to sit back, relax and enjoy this process with a little less...industry. Last Saturday when I was choosing to once and for all ignore the Stage 5 Clinger, my dear friend and her boyfriend both looked at me with the "you're thinking too much about this" look. (Now, let's talk about her for a minute. She was 24 before she ever had a boyfriend and then managed to meet the love of her life that she's been with for almost two years. I want the lucky star SHE was born under)
So, I'm getting conflicting advice: do date lots of guys as quickly as you can. don't worry about it so much. you're a mom, that's your priority; it will happen when it's mean to happen. we're glad you're getting out there and talking to boys...just don't talk to TOO many boys. DO be discerning in who you date but don't put up a wall and shut guys down too soon.
I'd like to blame my control freak inclinations on why I don't dig the lack of hard and fast rules when it comes to dating - but i'm a MOTHER. Most of my control freak went out the window once I had my son.
However, being a mom came naturally to me. And my son loves me (he's two - I realize this may change when he's fourteen) pretty unconditionally.
Yet, I'm putting a lot of "conditions" on dating - i.e. logistical advantages plays a factor up front (where it wouldn't in the "real world). And that...well...say "he's logistically favorable" as the first good thing about a guy you're talking to...that's HOT, right? I mean, that's the kind of thing that gets your blood burning.
So, I'm mulling this logistical thing today.
In other positive news, I FEEL more like a girl/woman/hot mama than I have in eons. Or at least in the three years since I conceived my son. I used to, for better or worse, know I could walk into a bar and that there was at least one person I could chat up and make-out with if I wanted to.
Twenty five, mother of one doesn't necessarily want or need to do this BUT it's the FEELING you have to recapture. The swagger, for lack of a better word. It's exactly the same thing I'm attracted to in the opposite sex. You see that guy that looks like he could just HAVE you, if he really wanted to (not that you'd LET him) - that's the STUFF. Making dating or at least men or men's attention or whatever a priority thanks to a) match. com b) this blog and c) listening to some sexy jams has helped me rediscover that certainly part of what attracts men is that you find YOURSELF attractive.
This is no small feat when you look in the mirror before a shower and see a cascade of stretch marks (baby battle wounds) and spend more time out of make-up than in it and still clean up poop from somewhere poop was NOT meant to be at least once a week.
Another positive: dating/men's attention/flirting has put my ass back in the gym. the looming possibility of having to be naked in front of someone (pretty sure of myself here - or at least dreamin' big!) is about the best impetus to work on my jiggly bits that I've had in a while.
Otherwise, there will be a lot of lights-off only hanky panky.
Nothing to really UPDATE on the man front - I'm texting with Iowa. I think I'm going to name this nice funny smart dude from Cerner Smartypants, and I got a message from the firefighter reformed badboy (that's a red flag in itself, right? are bad boys ever really "reformed?") that I owe a response to.
Sidenote: I want to be this couple that lives across the street from me. They're loading their groceries into their house right now. Probably my age. Have a cute freaking dog they got this summer. They just look so HAPPY. She's in sweats with her hair up and he just kissed her on the nose (sickeningly adorable) as they juggled who was going to carry what from the trunk of his SUV. Garage is going down now.
I wonder how THEY met? I wonder if they ever thought, even once, that the other was "logistically favorable?"
However, I took stock of all of these details and made a snap decision to not wink back. Becuase - he had a kid and lives 40 minutes away. I have a kid and live here. That was never going to work.
Part of the reason I like the idea of match.com is that you CAN disclaimer things like that up front. What if I had met this cute guy when he was in KC for the weekend having a beer at Barley's with his buddies? Let's say I moseyed up to the bar (okay, I don't really "mosey" anywhere, but for the story's sake, let's say I didn't walk with purpose as I usually do which is not sexy) and we start chatting, exchange slightly tipsy pleasantries, it comes out that he's from Wellsville and my red flag-o-meter goes off but I think nothing of it and we exchange numbers. We text (since chatting on the phone is a thing of the past) and then, much later, I find out he has a child, and he finds out I have a child (because this is not something I drop first thing either) and we both think "this is never going to work"
That seems a bit fruitless - but I'm also young, and maybe I need to sit back, relax and enjoy this process with a little less...industry. Last Saturday when I was choosing to once and for all ignore the Stage 5 Clinger, my dear friend and her boyfriend both looked at me with the "you're thinking too much about this" look. (Now, let's talk about her for a minute. She was 24 before she ever had a boyfriend and then managed to meet the love of her life that she's been with for almost two years. I want the lucky star SHE was born under)
So, I'm getting conflicting advice: do date lots of guys as quickly as you can. don't worry about it so much. you're a mom, that's your priority; it will happen when it's mean to happen. we're glad you're getting out there and talking to boys...just don't talk to TOO many boys. DO be discerning in who you date but don't put up a wall and shut guys down too soon.
I'd like to blame my control freak inclinations on why I don't dig the lack of hard and fast rules when it comes to dating - but i'm a MOTHER. Most of my control freak went out the window once I had my son.
However, being a mom came naturally to me. And my son loves me (he's two - I realize this may change when he's fourteen) pretty unconditionally.
Yet, I'm putting a lot of "conditions" on dating - i.e. logistical advantages plays a factor up front (where it wouldn't in the "real world). And that...well...say "he's logistically favorable" as the first good thing about a guy you're talking to...that's HOT, right? I mean, that's the kind of thing that gets your blood burning.
So, I'm mulling this logistical thing today.
In other positive news, I FEEL more like a girl/woman/hot mama than I have in eons. Or at least in the three years since I conceived my son. I used to, for better or worse, know I could walk into a bar and that there was at least one person I could chat up and make-out with if I wanted to.
Twenty five, mother of one doesn't necessarily want or need to do this BUT it's the FEELING you have to recapture. The swagger, for lack of a better word. It's exactly the same thing I'm attracted to in the opposite sex. You see that guy that looks like he could just HAVE you, if he really wanted to (not that you'd LET him) - that's the STUFF. Making dating or at least men or men's attention or whatever a priority thanks to a) match. com b) this blog and c) listening to some sexy jams has helped me rediscover that certainly part of what attracts men is that you find YOURSELF attractive.
This is no small feat when you look in the mirror before a shower and see a cascade of stretch marks (baby battle wounds) and spend more time out of make-up than in it and still clean up poop from somewhere poop was NOT meant to be at least once a week.
Another positive: dating/men's attention/flirting has put my ass back in the gym. the looming possibility of having to be naked in front of someone (pretty sure of myself here - or at least dreamin' big!) is about the best impetus to work on my jiggly bits that I've had in a while.
Otherwise, there will be a lot of lights-off only hanky panky.
Nothing to really UPDATE on the man front - I'm texting with Iowa. I think I'm going to name this nice funny smart dude from Cerner Smartypants, and I got a message from the firefighter reformed badboy (that's a red flag in itself, right? are bad boys ever really "reformed?") that I owe a response to.
Sidenote: I want to be this couple that lives across the street from me. They're loading their groceries into their house right now. Probably my age. Have a cute freaking dog they got this summer. They just look so HAPPY. She's in sweats with her hair up and he just kissed her on the nose (sickeningly adorable) as they juggled who was going to carry what from the trunk of his SUV. Garage is going down now.
I wonder how THEY met? I wonder if they ever thought, even once, that the other was "logistically favorable?"
Monday, January 24, 2011
Don't Let The Door Hit You On Your Way Out
Dear Stage 5 Clinger,
Your red flags spoke volumes. I should have listened. Thanks for finally hammering the point home. I appreciate the lesson that I am taking away from you, which is: pay attention to red flags.
Love,
Little Red
Status Update:
Stage 5 Clinger: Toast
Iowa: 1 generally lovely if slightly boring coffee
Cute Patrick: guy I took the initiative to wink at that messaged me. I have now messaged him - awaiting reply.
New Guy on the Horizon: no name yet. winks have occured, messaging has commenced. He thinks I'm funny (he has no idea!)
The Brief End of the Stage 5 Clinger
To S5C's credit, he didn't text as much last week at my request to "slow our rolls" which I thought was a friendly way of saying "please stop texting me so freaking much" However, when we spoke on Thursday, he sounded slightly resentful and said my own words back to me "I mean, I know you wanted to slow our rolls..." with enough of a snotty voice that I knew he wasn't totally okay with it. I didn't let it bother me and we discussed hanging out over the weekend. I had said my only plans were to go see a movie (appropriately "no strings attached") but I didn't know when, and that I didn't have any plans after and maybe we could hang out.
Maybe he assumed this meant just me and him, but I assumed that he would assume I was with friends and would be asking him to join me afterwards.
You know what they say about assumption....
So, low and behold, I have apparently ticked him off Friday night because he texted and I didn't respond (fell asleep watching a movie in my child's bed - happens, bro!). He is clearly NOT the guy that plays is cool and when a girl doesn't respond assumes she's busy and leaves it alone. He is the guy who, when you don't respond, sends this text "well...okay...have a good night." to let you feel exactly like the neglectful jerk he thinks you are. (I'm recalling him saying that his number one relationship pitfall is "jumping to conclusions" which he thought he'd taken care of - which I told him was still probably an issue to keep on his to do list)
So Saturday rolls around, I go to the movies with a friend (sidebar: that Natalie Portman character was too much like me for my liking. i seriously considered for a moment being able to tell people "i'm not good at the dating thing. people start talking feelings and I shut down") and then made plans once I had secured a babysitter to meet some friends at a bar and then head to a dance club (one that, actually, i had talked to S5C about and he had said he had been and had fun!) So, I'm getting ready, and I text him about meeting up.
And his response to the plans that I have just invited him to join me in...that i LIKE him enough to join me in (okay, secretly, i wanted my best gay pal to size him up, but...he didn't know that):
"Oh....umm...I thought it was just going to be you and me..."
I stared at my phone for a whole minute trying to figure out how to respond to that. Finally, I diplomatically apologized for the confusions and said I'd love for him to come...or if he wasn't comfortable with being around my friends, then no biggie. Easy breezy. I just met you three weeks ago, and, buddy, you can do what you want. Because that's how I am.
That is not how he is. I get two texts back about how he thought was made plans, a slight dig at not answering his text the night before softened only be a veiled annoying thing about "which was fine because you had a good excuse" (my son) which I instantly resent for implying I need any excuses with a dude I've seen three times in my whole life. Sir, I owe you nothing. We are at a stage where we should have nothing but fun. Oh, and he says he's not comfortable meeting my friends...like their my parents...or something...
This is not fun.
I, however, brush it off and say "I promise my friends don't bite, but I understand. Sorry again for the confusion...have a great night!" I do not offer to make other plans just the two of us (though I contemplated it) because...I'm just not sure I want to make other plans. I bustle my kid to my parents, pick up my friend, and make it the bar thinking that we are done for the night when i recieve:
S5C: ah huh. (can't you just HEAR the way this is said?!)
S5C: so, you made plans before or since we made plans on Thursday for tonight?
I read THIS text five times over only to realize he's asking for some sort of explanation as to why I am sitting where I am rather than sitting with him somewhere. I try to think of another easy breezy diplomatic get-outta-jail-free response...and I'm out of them. And...I realize I don't care. If this is what this guy is like three weeks in - holy HELL. I cannot imagine three months in. Nor do I want to. I don't want to be with someone that demands explanations from a relative stranger - especially when it's not like I ditched him! I invited him along! He doesn't have many friends in KC, self-admitted!
So I ignored it. I get one "????" text, which I also ignore in favor of dancing the night away with the gays downtown (sidebar: when I told my mother what I did, she looked at me, raised and eyebrow and said "well, honey, you're not going to meet anyone THERE." I said, "maybe not, but I had a helluva lot of fun.") It's now Monday, and I think it's safe to have sent my opening "dear, john."
the first one bites the dust.
I wish I could devote as much to Coffee with Iowa, but here is what I will say about him. He reminds me a little of a girlfriend's ex-boyfriend who was a little country, generally sweet, kind of shy, and then dumped her butt two weeks before they were supposed to get married in favor of his "best friend" who was a younger girl that had been lurking in the shadows for a year or more. This is halfway a great thing for this guy. Conversation was a little slow going, but THIS type of guy I'm a pro out. I went through a whole awkward man collection phase. My only initial concern is that he's going to be too shy for me, and that my project instincts are going to be more strong in wanting to bring him out his shell and be friends with him. I.e. he may be too passive. If there's anything I've learned about myself from previous dating experiences (successes and failures) it's that I don't do passive.
Although, from s5c, i clearly don't do pushy either.
Fickle, fickle, fickle red head. Reasons why you're single...
So, now, I'm on a mission to translate some of my new contacts into this weekend's date, so that I can write about it (which I don't care my lovely blonde and brunette friends from high school - i'm not PUSHING them away by writing about it!) and keep on track. Officially, I've invested $20 and been on four dates in three weeks. Three with the same guy, but, still. I think I'm moving at a good clip.
In parting, I'm totally intrigued by this guy that winked at me today. He has a headline that reads "love and relationships are something we all require despite their complex and often painful nature" Now, THIS dude, gets it. I need to figure out a name for him though. Unfortunately, he also appears to be from Iowa, so I'm going to have to discover something ELSE about him in order to give him a nickname.
The nicknaming reminds me of my most recent ex-boyfriend. He pretty easily managed to rename every person he met within a conversation. He just GOT people that way. Some time in here, I'll debrief for the sake of comparison the major relationships with men that are currently affecting this little dating excursion.
Not to tonight though. This post is already long enough.
RIP Stage 5 Clinger. May you find some girl that wants your smothering.
Your red flags spoke volumes. I should have listened. Thanks for finally hammering the point home. I appreciate the lesson that I am taking away from you, which is: pay attention to red flags.
Love,
Little Red
Status Update:
Stage 5 Clinger: Toast
Iowa: 1 generally lovely if slightly boring coffee
Cute Patrick: guy I took the initiative to wink at that messaged me. I have now messaged him - awaiting reply.
New Guy on the Horizon: no name yet. winks have occured, messaging has commenced. He thinks I'm funny (he has no idea!)
The Brief End of the Stage 5 Clinger
To S5C's credit, he didn't text as much last week at my request to "slow our rolls" which I thought was a friendly way of saying "please stop texting me so freaking much" However, when we spoke on Thursday, he sounded slightly resentful and said my own words back to me "I mean, I know you wanted to slow our rolls..." with enough of a snotty voice that I knew he wasn't totally okay with it. I didn't let it bother me and we discussed hanging out over the weekend. I had said my only plans were to go see a movie (appropriately "no strings attached") but I didn't know when, and that I didn't have any plans after and maybe we could hang out.
Maybe he assumed this meant just me and him, but I assumed that he would assume I was with friends and would be asking him to join me afterwards.
You know what they say about assumption....
So, low and behold, I have apparently ticked him off Friday night because he texted and I didn't respond (fell asleep watching a movie in my child's bed - happens, bro!). He is clearly NOT the guy that plays is cool and when a girl doesn't respond assumes she's busy and leaves it alone. He is the guy who, when you don't respond, sends this text "well...okay...have a good night." to let you feel exactly like the neglectful jerk he thinks you are. (I'm recalling him saying that his number one relationship pitfall is "jumping to conclusions" which he thought he'd taken care of - which I told him was still probably an issue to keep on his to do list)
So Saturday rolls around, I go to the movies with a friend (sidebar: that Natalie Portman character was too much like me for my liking. i seriously considered for a moment being able to tell people "i'm not good at the dating thing. people start talking feelings and I shut down") and then made plans once I had secured a babysitter to meet some friends at a bar and then head to a dance club (one that, actually, i had talked to S5C about and he had said he had been and had fun!) So, I'm getting ready, and I text him about meeting up.
And his response to the plans that I have just invited him to join me in...that i LIKE him enough to join me in (okay, secretly, i wanted my best gay pal to size him up, but...he didn't know that):
"Oh....umm...I thought it was just going to be you and me..."
I stared at my phone for a whole minute trying to figure out how to respond to that. Finally, I diplomatically apologized for the confusions and said I'd love for him to come...or if he wasn't comfortable with being around my friends, then no biggie. Easy breezy. I just met you three weeks ago, and, buddy, you can do what you want. Because that's how I am.
That is not how he is. I get two texts back about how he thought was made plans, a slight dig at not answering his text the night before softened only be a veiled annoying thing about "which was fine because you had a good excuse" (my son) which I instantly resent for implying I need any excuses with a dude I've seen three times in my whole life. Sir, I owe you nothing. We are at a stage where we should have nothing but fun. Oh, and he says he's not comfortable meeting my friends...like their my parents...or something...
This is not fun.
I, however, brush it off and say "I promise my friends don't bite, but I understand. Sorry again for the confusion...have a great night!" I do not offer to make other plans just the two of us (though I contemplated it) because...I'm just not sure I want to make other plans. I bustle my kid to my parents, pick up my friend, and make it the bar thinking that we are done for the night when i recieve:
S5C: ah huh. (can't you just HEAR the way this is said?!)
S5C: so, you made plans before or since we made plans on Thursday for tonight?
I read THIS text five times over only to realize he's asking for some sort of explanation as to why I am sitting where I am rather than sitting with him somewhere. I try to think of another easy breezy diplomatic get-outta-jail-free response...and I'm out of them. And...I realize I don't care. If this is what this guy is like three weeks in - holy HELL. I cannot imagine three months in. Nor do I want to. I don't want to be with someone that demands explanations from a relative stranger - especially when it's not like I ditched him! I invited him along! He doesn't have many friends in KC, self-admitted!
So I ignored it. I get one "????" text, which I also ignore in favor of dancing the night away with the gays downtown (sidebar: when I told my mother what I did, she looked at me, raised and eyebrow and said "well, honey, you're not going to meet anyone THERE." I said, "maybe not, but I had a helluva lot of fun.") It's now Monday, and I think it's safe to have sent my opening "dear, john."
the first one bites the dust.
I wish I could devote as much to Coffee with Iowa, but here is what I will say about him. He reminds me a little of a girlfriend's ex-boyfriend who was a little country, generally sweet, kind of shy, and then dumped her butt two weeks before they were supposed to get married in favor of his "best friend" who was a younger girl that had been lurking in the shadows for a year or more. This is halfway a great thing for this guy. Conversation was a little slow going, but THIS type of guy I'm a pro out. I went through a whole awkward man collection phase. My only initial concern is that he's going to be too shy for me, and that my project instincts are going to be more strong in wanting to bring him out his shell and be friends with him. I.e. he may be too passive. If there's anything I've learned about myself from previous dating experiences (successes and failures) it's that I don't do passive.
Although, from s5c, i clearly don't do pushy either.
Fickle, fickle, fickle red head. Reasons why you're single...
So, now, I'm on a mission to translate some of my new contacts into this weekend's date, so that I can write about it (which I don't care my lovely blonde and brunette friends from high school - i'm not PUSHING them away by writing about it!) and keep on track. Officially, I've invested $20 and been on four dates in three weeks. Three with the same guy, but, still. I think I'm moving at a good clip.
In parting, I'm totally intrigued by this guy that winked at me today. He has a headline that reads "love and relationships are something we all require despite their complex and often painful nature" Now, THIS dude, gets it. I need to figure out a name for him though. Unfortunately, he also appears to be from Iowa, so I'm going to have to discover something ELSE about him in order to give him a nickname.
The nicknaming reminds me of my most recent ex-boyfriend. He pretty easily managed to rename every person he met within a conversation. He just GOT people that way. Some time in here, I'll debrief for the sake of comparison the major relationships with men that are currently affecting this little dating excursion.
Not to tonight though. This post is already long enough.
RIP Stage 5 Clinger. May you find some girl that wants your smothering.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Kiss and Run - A Day of Self Reflection
I have two dates that I'm supposed to be completing today. One is a first date with Iowa. One is a...oh hell i'm losing count...fourth date, I guess, with Stage 5 Clinger.
I want to do the first, and I"m trying to get out of the second.
I also just bought a book on my Nook called "Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment"
I am THAT girl. Self help books. On the Nook.
I only downloaded the free sample until I read the checklist of "you're a commitment phobic if..." and matched like 75% of the criteria. I'm planning to re-read "Sex and the Single Mom" in conjunction.
I looked at my best friends over lunch this week and said, semi-seriously, "I mean, you do wonder at some point if you have a fatal flaw that you're terribly unaware of...you'd tell me if I had a fatal dating flaw, right?" They both paused and had the exact same expressions on their face before quickly placating me.
I'm not self-conscious - I'm pretty confident in my abilities and where my life is at - but either their expressions meant I SHOULD be more self-conscious because I have some fatal dating flaw that is terribly apparent to everyone else and not me, or I have subconscious self-doubt.
OR, as one of them did point out, the fatal flaw may be linked to this self-preserving WALL that friends keep hinting at - and this blog has been accused of being a face for.
I told a boyfriend once that I was a very astute observer of symptoms with a not-so-great success rate at diagnosis of illness. That is to say that I can sit here and say things that I feel and mean them but have no flippin', friggin' clue what they mean. How can I be SO good at knowing OTHER people, and so stupid about knowing myself?
...you may find I have more self-reflective, moody posts once a month...
On a lighter note, Stage 5 Clinger is officially Stage 5 clinging. I'm going to hang out with him at least once more so that I have a chance to fully disclaim things i like and don't like with a bit more...ah...candor. I think I just need to feel comfortable enough saying "dude, a smiley text if I don't text back in two hours just is not my life" because either he'll say "sorry, i don't need to do it I just wanted you to know I was interested in" or he'll get defensive because that's the kind of guy he is.
I said to another friend today who I would MUCH rather be trading an evening out at a gay club with than a night out with Stage 5 Clinger (ALERT! ALERT!) that when it comes down to it you MAKE time for people you definitely want to see again. He happened to have a man friend that is wishy washy (and which I feel like today) and I said "don't waste your time waiting on him. I know he likes you and you have fun when you're together, but if he REALLY wanted to be with you, he would find a way to make it happen."
I believe this. I LEARNED this with my last boyfriend who complained in our Sonic Happy Hour Drink break-up that he would like to be a bigger priority in his girlfriend's life next go round. And I thought, internally, that I had never been accused of not my significant other a priority...in fact, in the one time I've been in love, I was the one accused of being the Clinger.
I'm going to chart my dating growth and development at some point. Or maybe that the title of a book: "The Road from Clinger to..." I don't know the second word will need to be an alliteration and something witty relating to my current commitment issues.
I WANT a boyfriend. I wouldn't be on this little dating endeavor if I didn't. And it's totally made me open myself back up to realizing there's girl, sex kitten, non-mom parts of me that live and breathe and were waiting to be let loose again.
I may be putting too much pressure on these dudes to make sparks fly though. They're just dudes.
So, bottom line is that I'm going to go to a movie called "No Strings Attached" today which may or may not help or hinder today's quest. Hopefully, with all the sex taking place in the movie, it will spur my butt to at LEAST think about going to a STRAIGHT club tonight where I have more than a snowball's chance in hell of turning a flirty eye on someone that bats for the same team as me. I think I will definitely still have coffee with Iowa - who I am definitely interested in meeting (Kiss and Run says that I'm commitment phobic if first dates are exciting but subsequent dates I get wishy washy about. I'm holding on to the hope that I'm only wishy washy about s5c because he almost burned down my house and because of all the smiley face texts). And maybe I'll invite S5C to come out with me and my friend. I suggested this already to my young gay friend who I know will be brutally honest about my prospects. He was brutally honest about the last boyfriend who he said three weeks in was not someone who was going to be a good for match for me (yes who I proceeded to date for SEVEN MORE MONTHS)
Also, I took the advice of my friend in Albany and took a more aggressive role on match. I.e. I have been letting them to come to me for the winking, and then I wink back. But this week I have been winking at boys and feeling totally saucy about it.
Except then nobody winked back at me for a few days - coinciding with my "do i have a fatal flaw?" question to my friends.
But then - ray of sunshine! - the cutest and most interesting of this week's wink victims just winked back at me.
And just like that - with the email announcing a little technological wink - my faith in dating and hopes for the future are temporarily restored.
More tomorrow after I try and juggle three social outings, two with dates, tonight. With my luck, something that will make at LEAST a few of you smile is bound to occur.
I want to do the first, and I"m trying to get out of the second.
I also just bought a book on my Nook called "Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment"
I am THAT girl. Self help books. On the Nook.
I only downloaded the free sample until I read the checklist of "you're a commitment phobic if..." and matched like 75% of the criteria. I'm planning to re-read "Sex and the Single Mom" in conjunction.
I looked at my best friends over lunch this week and said, semi-seriously, "I mean, you do wonder at some point if you have a fatal flaw that you're terribly unaware of...you'd tell me if I had a fatal dating flaw, right?" They both paused and had the exact same expressions on their face before quickly placating me.
I'm not self-conscious - I'm pretty confident in my abilities and where my life is at - but either their expressions meant I SHOULD be more self-conscious because I have some fatal dating flaw that is terribly apparent to everyone else and not me, or I have subconscious self-doubt.
OR, as one of them did point out, the fatal flaw may be linked to this self-preserving WALL that friends keep hinting at - and this blog has been accused of being a face for.
I told a boyfriend once that I was a very astute observer of symptoms with a not-so-great success rate at diagnosis of illness. That is to say that I can sit here and say things that I feel and mean them but have no flippin', friggin' clue what they mean. How can I be SO good at knowing OTHER people, and so stupid about knowing myself?
...you may find I have more self-reflective, moody posts once a month...
On a lighter note, Stage 5 Clinger is officially Stage 5 clinging. I'm going to hang out with him at least once more so that I have a chance to fully disclaim things i like and don't like with a bit more...ah...candor. I think I just need to feel comfortable enough saying "dude, a smiley text if I don't text back in two hours just is not my life" because either he'll say "sorry, i don't need to do it I just wanted you to know I was interested in" or he'll get defensive because that's the kind of guy he is.
I said to another friend today who I would MUCH rather be trading an evening out at a gay club with than a night out with Stage 5 Clinger (ALERT! ALERT!) that when it comes down to it you MAKE time for people you definitely want to see again. He happened to have a man friend that is wishy washy (and which I feel like today) and I said "don't waste your time waiting on him. I know he likes you and you have fun when you're together, but if he REALLY wanted to be with you, he would find a way to make it happen."
I believe this. I LEARNED this with my last boyfriend who complained in our Sonic Happy Hour Drink break-up that he would like to be a bigger priority in his girlfriend's life next go round. And I thought, internally, that I had never been accused of not my significant other a priority...in fact, in the one time I've been in love, I was the one accused of being the Clinger.
I'm going to chart my dating growth and development at some point. Or maybe that the title of a book: "The Road from Clinger to..." I don't know the second word will need to be an alliteration and something witty relating to my current commitment issues.
I WANT a boyfriend. I wouldn't be on this little dating endeavor if I didn't. And it's totally made me open myself back up to realizing there's girl, sex kitten, non-mom parts of me that live and breathe and were waiting to be let loose again.
I may be putting too much pressure on these dudes to make sparks fly though. They're just dudes.
So, bottom line is that I'm going to go to a movie called "No Strings Attached" today which may or may not help or hinder today's quest. Hopefully, with all the sex taking place in the movie, it will spur my butt to at LEAST think about going to a STRAIGHT club tonight where I have more than a snowball's chance in hell of turning a flirty eye on someone that bats for the same team as me. I think I will definitely still have coffee with Iowa - who I am definitely interested in meeting (Kiss and Run says that I'm commitment phobic if first dates are exciting but subsequent dates I get wishy washy about. I'm holding on to the hope that I'm only wishy washy about s5c because he almost burned down my house and because of all the smiley face texts). And maybe I'll invite S5C to come out with me and my friend. I suggested this already to my young gay friend who I know will be brutally honest about my prospects. He was brutally honest about the last boyfriend who he said three weeks in was not someone who was going to be a good for match for me (yes who I proceeded to date for SEVEN MORE MONTHS)
Also, I took the advice of my friend in Albany and took a more aggressive role on match. I.e. I have been letting them to come to me for the winking, and then I wink back. But this week I have been winking at boys and feeling totally saucy about it.
Except then nobody winked back at me for a few days - coinciding with my "do i have a fatal flaw?" question to my friends.
But then - ray of sunshine! - the cutest and most interesting of this week's wink victims just winked back at me.
And just like that - with the email announcing a little technological wink - my faith in dating and hopes for the future are temporarily restored.
More tomorrow after I try and juggle three social outings, two with dates, tonight. With my luck, something that will make at LEAST a few of you smile is bound to occur.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Lesson Learned
In my defense, I'm not sure that I even thought that worst case scenario might include my house full of smoke, two pots boiling over and a mess of food and potential salmonella outbreaks.
The moral of today's dating adventure is to not break protocol or make assumptions.
Protocol being that I have always thought that you should be many dates into a dating situation before inviting a gentlemen back to your house. My reasoning on this is twofold: one) your house is your personal space and it says a lot about you. you have to be prepared to share that much. Two) you may not be prepared to share your personal space and/or the things within it.
The assumption part comes into play with the following conversation via text yesterday:
S5C: hey! do you work tomorrow?
me: nope. i was going to ask you the same.
S5C: do you wanna hang tonight?
(i did not) me: i'm probably going to stay in with my munchkin. how about lunch or coffee tomorrow? (i wanted to watch the golden globes in peace)
(and SIDEBAR: I JUST saw this dude Friday. c'mon!)
S5C: okay, we'll see. (was this him trying to play hard to get? tbd)
me: okay, well, just holler at me.
s5c: how about i make you lunch?
I'm intrigued at this because he's mentioned he can cook. this seems a bold date move too.
me: sure!
s5c: how about i pick you up, we can go get stuff and then go back to your place and i'll cook and we can watch a movie?
okay, so, i stupidly replied "sounds like a plan!" but there are about FIVE things wrong with the text above all of which should have made me immediately say "hell to the no, stage 5 clinger"
1) did he just invite himself over to my house?
2) does he want me to go with him to get ingredients so that I pitch in on the moola?
3) why are we cooking at MY house if he's cooking?
4) movies at somebody's house typically require some shared couch space. this, in retrospect, was ballsy for an early date.
5) DID HE JUST INVITE HIMSELF OVER TO MY HOUSE?
Now, again, in my defense, I assumed he was a top chef in the making and wanted to woo me with his mad skills and ability to move around my kitchen - which, in my head, sounded pretty hot.
My first inkling that this scenario might be less fantasy and more blog fodder came when we arrived at the Price Chopper and he didn't know what he was making.
"What should we have?" he asks me.
"um, you're cooking, you tell me" I'm a little quiet now, because I'm getting nervous. maybe he can tell because he pretty quickly counters with "chicken parmesan"
He says it so confidently that I naturally assume this was in the cards the whole time, and this is his "dish" much like the ex love-of-my-life/current best friend/always pain in my ass (i'm just going to keep adding titles to him in the hopes that it makes me stop mentioning him at some point) has his "dish" which consists of pan friend pork chops and fried apples. Every guy has one. the dish they can not screw up that they can impress girls with.
"Has anyone ever cooked for you?" S5C asks as we walk around Price Chopper.
"yes," I reply without hesitation, quashing his dreams of being suave and original.
Actually, I'm remember ex-love-of-my-life/current best friend/always pain in my ass/sometimes basis of comparison telling me during his slutty phase after he broke up with a girlfriend where he fixes his "dish" for what seemed like a dozen different girls in a two month period. This makes me wary of thinking too much of S5C's motives.
An aside to say that I am very grateful to have male friends, whose lives and dating habits I have generally been privy to. Can't get nothing by this girl. I've seen it, heard about it, and i rarely trust it. I know even if you're an AWESOME dude, you still have motives and most of them center around wanting to impress me with the hopes of either locking me in or getting in my pants. More on this later.
The trouble starts when S5C asks if I have vegetable oil - like 4 cups of it. And I begin to wonder how he makes pasta that requires that much oil. That's a lot of oil.
Enough oil to start a fire with, it turns out.
I realize my mistake as I sit at my own bar watching a relative stranger futz around MY kitchen and realize that it was way too soon to have this kind of date. I am possessive of my stuff, and strangely territorial. I didn't expect to feel this way, but BOY do I want him to stop getting flour all over my spice caps and slinging egg yolk across my kitchen counter.
"Do you have a fan?" he asks as I he begins frying the chicken and smoke starts a roiling.
"No, I don't burn things," I say, trying to cute but tinged with enough panic that he doesn't seem to notice that I have to start texting friends in order to not start visibly panicking.
He finds the fan, turns around and says "actually, you might need to open windows and turn on the overhead fan...maybe open your patio"
I turn around to see MY WHOLE HOUSE IS FULL OF SMOKE. I mean, I open the patio and it's like there's a boy scout fire in my living room the way the smoke rolls out.
"Oops!" i hear him say twice as I try to calmly turn off my heat and open every window in my house. he's calm, so I'm trying to stay calm even though internally I'm starting to think this was one of the dumber things I've approved and willingly entered into.
I turn to see that both the speghetti he's making and the tomato sauce he's eating are boiling over.
Now, he couldn't know that i JUST soaked and scrubbed my stovetops and the little catcher things underneath, but I certainly do and I'm really hoping my eyes are shooting death glares at him as he dirties, like, five more bowls unnecessarily.
I like cajun, but blackened chicken is not looking so great as he pulls a charred piece of something from the oil and puts it in one of my son's bowls (because clearly he's burned through all of mine) and asks if I want to try it.
No, sir, I do not. Because that thing is burnt to a freaking crisp and it's going to be bad and I don't want to be liar.
"Mmmmm," I say out loud.
"What do you have to drink?" he asks, and I swallow the crispy fried former chicken.
"Water and apple juice...or wine. I have wine. I'll get the wine."
I NEED THE WINE. I don't care that it's one o'clock in the afternoon on a Monday. I need the wine.
Two glasses of wine later, my house is less smoke-filled, still messy (i'm trying to accept his "i clean as i go" statement as I stare at the dishes still rife with food debris that he merely rinsed and stacked in the dish drainer) but the pasta and bread is passable.
Here was something I WAS glad for. I read on the dating etiquette thing to set not only a start time for dates but also an END time when possible. So I have set an end time as dictated by my son, who I am very grateful for and intend to use more in dating scenarios where necessary.
The post dinner hour was considerably better - we watched "The Kids Are All Right" with only one hiccup on his part regarding a comment about not understanding why sometimes lesbians are pretty and others are more manly and almost heading down a terrible dealbreaking path of sexual judgement that I would not abide by.
We cuddled, which was nice, even though I think he might smell a little weird (that's go to be me being weird though).
Funny part of the cuddling: his hand was resting on my hip and at one point ventured more directly towards my ass which required a pretty quick non-verbal signal of "too soon" on my part. He was quick to understand which I appreciated. Just testing the waters, I get it, but you almost set my fire alarm off and I haven't forgotten.
Another context clue from today: I don't think S5C makes a lot of money. I don't particularly care about this - in theory - although I hear that a lopsided financial situation can turn our poorly for one or both parties if a relationship blossoms (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I don't think that's going to be a problem here) He mentioned at least twice how nice my place was, going so far as to say "this can't be cheap" to which I replied (quite tactfully i thought) "well, it's not the cheapest place I've ever lived." And he also said he may be taking a second job...and he keeps saying "when I'm out of OT school, I'll be able to afford a place like this" Except he's not even IN OT school yet...so...I'm not sure what I was supposed to gather from all of this, so I'm mostly noting this for the record. It brings up an interesting part of this dating thing as to how you suss out one another's financial situations - and its impact.
Okay, but not to let today's little adventure end without a happy ending, we did kiss again and it was just as breathtaking and generally awesome as Friday night. This is a plus. Maybe not a big enough plus to overlook all the other little red flags that seem to be sprouting, but enough to merit seeing him again.
At least so long as he isn't texting every 5 minutes. He hasn't, although he did text an hour and a half after the conclusion of our date as I was recounting the highlights to a very dear soon to be married friend (i hate you and your happily ever after coming so easily, Albany).
"How's the nose minor?"
Sigh. One, WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME?! Two, it's nose miner, not minor. This is a very MINOR point, but it notes the path of destruction when someone texts to much. You get annoyed quicker.
I'm just going to keep thinking about that lovely kiss.
The smell of burning oil is almost out of the house.
Almost.
Lesson learned.
The moral of today's dating adventure is to not break protocol or make assumptions.
Protocol being that I have always thought that you should be many dates into a dating situation before inviting a gentlemen back to your house. My reasoning on this is twofold: one) your house is your personal space and it says a lot about you. you have to be prepared to share that much. Two) you may not be prepared to share your personal space and/or the things within it.
The assumption part comes into play with the following conversation via text yesterday:
S5C: hey! do you work tomorrow?
me: nope. i was going to ask you the same.
S5C: do you wanna hang tonight?
(i did not) me: i'm probably going to stay in with my munchkin. how about lunch or coffee tomorrow? (i wanted to watch the golden globes in peace)
(and SIDEBAR: I JUST saw this dude Friday. c'mon!)
S5C: okay, we'll see. (was this him trying to play hard to get? tbd)
me: okay, well, just holler at me.
s5c: how about i make you lunch?
I'm intrigued at this because he's mentioned he can cook. this seems a bold date move too.
me: sure!
s5c: how about i pick you up, we can go get stuff and then go back to your place and i'll cook and we can watch a movie?
okay, so, i stupidly replied "sounds like a plan!" but there are about FIVE things wrong with the text above all of which should have made me immediately say "hell to the no, stage 5 clinger"
1) did he just invite himself over to my house?
2) does he want me to go with him to get ingredients so that I pitch in on the moola?
3) why are we cooking at MY house if he's cooking?
4) movies at somebody's house typically require some shared couch space. this, in retrospect, was ballsy for an early date.
5) DID HE JUST INVITE HIMSELF OVER TO MY HOUSE?
Now, again, in my defense, I assumed he was a top chef in the making and wanted to woo me with his mad skills and ability to move around my kitchen - which, in my head, sounded pretty hot.
My first inkling that this scenario might be less fantasy and more blog fodder came when we arrived at the Price Chopper and he didn't know what he was making.
"What should we have?" he asks me.
"um, you're cooking, you tell me" I'm a little quiet now, because I'm getting nervous. maybe he can tell because he pretty quickly counters with "chicken parmesan"
He says it so confidently that I naturally assume this was in the cards the whole time, and this is his "dish" much like the ex love-of-my-life/current best friend/always pain in my ass (i'm just going to keep adding titles to him in the hopes that it makes me stop mentioning him at some point) has his "dish" which consists of pan friend pork chops and fried apples. Every guy has one. the dish they can not screw up that they can impress girls with.
"Has anyone ever cooked for you?" S5C asks as we walk around Price Chopper.
"yes," I reply without hesitation, quashing his dreams of being suave and original.
Actually, I'm remember ex-love-of-my-life/current best friend/always pain in my ass/sometimes basis of comparison telling me during his slutty phase after he broke up with a girlfriend where he fixes his "dish" for what seemed like a dozen different girls in a two month period. This makes me wary of thinking too much of S5C's motives.
An aside to say that I am very grateful to have male friends, whose lives and dating habits I have generally been privy to. Can't get nothing by this girl. I've seen it, heard about it, and i rarely trust it. I know even if you're an AWESOME dude, you still have motives and most of them center around wanting to impress me with the hopes of either locking me in or getting in my pants. More on this later.
The trouble starts when S5C asks if I have vegetable oil - like 4 cups of it. And I begin to wonder how he makes pasta that requires that much oil. That's a lot of oil.
Enough oil to start a fire with, it turns out.
I realize my mistake as I sit at my own bar watching a relative stranger futz around MY kitchen and realize that it was way too soon to have this kind of date. I am possessive of my stuff, and strangely territorial. I didn't expect to feel this way, but BOY do I want him to stop getting flour all over my spice caps and slinging egg yolk across my kitchen counter.
"Do you have a fan?" he asks as I he begins frying the chicken and smoke starts a roiling.
"No, I don't burn things," I say, trying to cute but tinged with enough panic that he doesn't seem to notice that I have to start texting friends in order to not start visibly panicking.
He finds the fan, turns around and says "actually, you might need to open windows and turn on the overhead fan...maybe open your patio"
I turn around to see MY WHOLE HOUSE IS FULL OF SMOKE. I mean, I open the patio and it's like there's a boy scout fire in my living room the way the smoke rolls out.
"Oops!" i hear him say twice as I try to calmly turn off my heat and open every window in my house. he's calm, so I'm trying to stay calm even though internally I'm starting to think this was one of the dumber things I've approved and willingly entered into.
I turn to see that both the speghetti he's making and the tomato sauce he's eating are boiling over.
Now, he couldn't know that i JUST soaked and scrubbed my stovetops and the little catcher things underneath, but I certainly do and I'm really hoping my eyes are shooting death glares at him as he dirties, like, five more bowls unnecessarily.
I like cajun, but blackened chicken is not looking so great as he pulls a charred piece of something from the oil and puts it in one of my son's bowls (because clearly he's burned through all of mine) and asks if I want to try it.
No, sir, I do not. Because that thing is burnt to a freaking crisp and it's going to be bad and I don't want to be liar.
"Mmmmm," I say out loud.
"What do you have to drink?" he asks, and I swallow the crispy fried former chicken.
"Water and apple juice...or wine. I have wine. I'll get the wine."
I NEED THE WINE. I don't care that it's one o'clock in the afternoon on a Monday. I need the wine.
Two glasses of wine later, my house is less smoke-filled, still messy (i'm trying to accept his "i clean as i go" statement as I stare at the dishes still rife with food debris that he merely rinsed and stacked in the dish drainer) but the pasta and bread is passable.
Here was something I WAS glad for. I read on the dating etiquette thing to set not only a start time for dates but also an END time when possible. So I have set an end time as dictated by my son, who I am very grateful for and intend to use more in dating scenarios where necessary.
The post dinner hour was considerably better - we watched "The Kids Are All Right" with only one hiccup on his part regarding a comment about not understanding why sometimes lesbians are pretty and others are more manly and almost heading down a terrible dealbreaking path of sexual judgement that I would not abide by.
We cuddled, which was nice, even though I think he might smell a little weird (that's go to be me being weird though).
Funny part of the cuddling: his hand was resting on my hip and at one point ventured more directly towards my ass which required a pretty quick non-verbal signal of "too soon" on my part. He was quick to understand which I appreciated. Just testing the waters, I get it, but you almost set my fire alarm off and I haven't forgotten.
Another context clue from today: I don't think S5C makes a lot of money. I don't particularly care about this - in theory - although I hear that a lopsided financial situation can turn our poorly for one or both parties if a relationship blossoms (I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I don't think that's going to be a problem here) He mentioned at least twice how nice my place was, going so far as to say "this can't be cheap" to which I replied (quite tactfully i thought) "well, it's not the cheapest place I've ever lived." And he also said he may be taking a second job...and he keeps saying "when I'm out of OT school, I'll be able to afford a place like this" Except he's not even IN OT school yet...so...I'm not sure what I was supposed to gather from all of this, so I'm mostly noting this for the record. It brings up an interesting part of this dating thing as to how you suss out one another's financial situations - and its impact.
Okay, but not to let today's little adventure end without a happy ending, we did kiss again and it was just as breathtaking and generally awesome as Friday night. This is a plus. Maybe not a big enough plus to overlook all the other little red flags that seem to be sprouting, but enough to merit seeing him again.
At least so long as he isn't texting every 5 minutes. He hasn't, although he did text an hour and a half after the conclusion of our date as I was recounting the highlights to a very dear soon to be married friend (i hate you and your happily ever after coming so easily, Albany).
"How's the nose minor?"
Sigh. One, WHY ARE YOU TEXTING ME?! Two, it's nose miner, not minor. This is a very MINOR point, but it notes the path of destruction when someone texts to much. You get annoyed quicker.
I'm just going to keep thinking about that lovely kiss.
The smell of burning oil is almost out of the house.
Almost.
Lesson learned.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Dating Etiquette
Date Subject: Stage 5 Clinger
Status: Undecided
Kiss: Awesome
Conversation: Easy
Red Flags: A Couple (see below)
Oy, I've been pondering all day the merit of and/or stake in red flags. They sort of niggle at you, and I guess you just have to wait to see if they come to any sort of fruition. It has to be similar to the interview process of a job - not everyone interviews well but it doesn't mean that he or she won't make a super solid employee, right?
That being said, I had a pretty darn enjoyable date overall last night with Stage 5 Clinger (who I can't quite give this name up on yet). We had a nice dinner and drinks after, and the conversation was easy, and the humor was totally on my level. There was none of the craziness weirdness or inherent awkward silence that I keep expecting.
That said, he talked about himself. A lot. And, he keeps mentioning and subtly disclaimering things that lead me to believe he a) jumps to conclusions b) can be needy and c) is totally worthy of being called a stage 5 clinger.
Case in point: I was on the phone recounting what was a definitely awesome kiss to my best friend, only to see a text pop up.
me: "oh please don't ruin this by texting me ALREADY"
bff: "it's totally him, isn't it?"
me: "dammit, yes."
Just a smiley face, but for some reason it bothered me. I am not a fast-paced dater...at least not yet. I like it to be an organic process...which I realize is a little silly to say in the face of an inorganic meeting circumstance such as match.com. However, I think even if you set yourself up to have a higher rate of MEETING people, you still can't fabricate chemistry. (I learned this the hard way with an ex boyfriend) And, it's probably just a personal thing for me that I like an air of mystery about a dude...and that I freaking hate texts like ":-)" and "hey!"...
Maybe I wouldn't if I was totally into a guy?
No, I think I still would. Communicate with PURPOSE, people! That's all I'm saying. If I text you, I damn well will have something witty to say, a reference to make, or a question to ask. Those are all good reasons for texting. i LIKE texting. I just don't like texting 24 hours a day just for the sake of texting.
Luckily he didn't text again today until the afternoon...but it was a "hi!" to which i can only reply "hi!" back, which is annoying.
I want to reiterate that we had a good date. I am just stating these things for the record so I can reference back when we are a) in a relationship and i can admit that I overreacted to these things or b) not speaking and I can say "oh, look, this should not have surprised me.
Also, we established that we wanted to see eachother again. To me, I want to wait a few days, re-establish and make plans. He instead threw the ball in my court "let me know when you're free and i'm there."
Dating quandary: after the initial dates where you meet and chat, i start to need an activity. is this silly? remains to be seen.
So because I had a bunch of questions tonight...oh! followed by my getting on match only to see he was online and to know I was ignoring his recent smiley text for lack of a valid response so i jumped offline at hyperspeed...I googled "online dating etiquette"
Some of what turned up was common sense. Others were interesting, especially regarding how you make conversation. This is the toughest thing so far for me. I know that questions are key, but i hate feeling like your interviewing someone. Stage 5 clinger has interviewed.
On the "OTHER GUY" front, I've been messaging back and forth with a guy that I will currently refer to as Iowa, because he's from a small town there and I feel rude calling him Country Boy. Our messages have space between them, they're light and airy in nature, and I almost find them preferable to Stage 5 Clinger's communication overload approach. It's slower paced but it also isn't as...gosh, I don't want to say overwhelming...but there is something slightly offputting about S5C's need to talk all the time. Which is weird, becuase i LIKE to talk. I LOVE to talk. I talk ALL THE TIME. I just am not ready to talk to someone ALL the time that I just met.
Again, i like talking to SC5...but maybe not as much as I should? Or, again, is this just a personal preference thing?
I don't know. I do know that I wanted to talk to my ex love of my life/current best friend today for longer than he allowed me and I had that same old niggle that I get wherever he's concerned that makes me mad that I still want to talk to him as much as I do (even as a friend).
He is a backstory for another day.
Bottom line: subsequent date is imminent for Stage 5 Clinger (thought WHAT I don't know...or when) and I'm looking forward to hearing back from Iowa, who is striking me as sweet and a little reserved.
And finally, did I mention that despite ALL of this, the kiss was HOT and made me remember that good kisses are out there and that I deserve to find them. And I will. Have no fear. I will.
Status: Undecided
Kiss: Awesome
Conversation: Easy
Red Flags: A Couple (see below)
Oy, I've been pondering all day the merit of and/or stake in red flags. They sort of niggle at you, and I guess you just have to wait to see if they come to any sort of fruition. It has to be similar to the interview process of a job - not everyone interviews well but it doesn't mean that he or she won't make a super solid employee, right?
That being said, I had a pretty darn enjoyable date overall last night with Stage 5 Clinger (who I can't quite give this name up on yet). We had a nice dinner and drinks after, and the conversation was easy, and the humor was totally on my level. There was none of the craziness weirdness or inherent awkward silence that I keep expecting.
That said, he talked about himself. A lot. And, he keeps mentioning and subtly disclaimering things that lead me to believe he a) jumps to conclusions b) can be needy and c) is totally worthy of being called a stage 5 clinger.
Case in point: I was on the phone recounting what was a definitely awesome kiss to my best friend, only to see a text pop up.
me: "oh please don't ruin this by texting me ALREADY"
bff: "it's totally him, isn't it?"
me: "dammit, yes."
Just a smiley face, but for some reason it bothered me. I am not a fast-paced dater...at least not yet. I like it to be an organic process...which I realize is a little silly to say in the face of an inorganic meeting circumstance such as match.com. However, I think even if you set yourself up to have a higher rate of MEETING people, you still can't fabricate chemistry. (I learned this the hard way with an ex boyfriend) And, it's probably just a personal thing for me that I like an air of mystery about a dude...and that I freaking hate texts like ":-)" and "hey!"...
Maybe I wouldn't if I was totally into a guy?
No, I think I still would. Communicate with PURPOSE, people! That's all I'm saying. If I text you, I damn well will have something witty to say, a reference to make, or a question to ask. Those are all good reasons for texting. i LIKE texting. I just don't like texting 24 hours a day just for the sake of texting.
Luckily he didn't text again today until the afternoon...but it was a "hi!" to which i can only reply "hi!" back, which is annoying.
I want to reiterate that we had a good date. I am just stating these things for the record so I can reference back when we are a) in a relationship and i can admit that I overreacted to these things or b) not speaking and I can say "oh, look, this should not have surprised me.
Also, we established that we wanted to see eachother again. To me, I want to wait a few days, re-establish and make plans. He instead threw the ball in my court "let me know when you're free and i'm there."
Dating quandary: after the initial dates where you meet and chat, i start to need an activity. is this silly? remains to be seen.
So because I had a bunch of questions tonight...oh! followed by my getting on match only to see he was online and to know I was ignoring his recent smiley text for lack of a valid response so i jumped offline at hyperspeed...I googled "online dating etiquette"
Some of what turned up was common sense. Others were interesting, especially regarding how you make conversation. This is the toughest thing so far for me. I know that questions are key, but i hate feeling like your interviewing someone. Stage 5 clinger has interviewed.
On the "OTHER GUY" front, I've been messaging back and forth with a guy that I will currently refer to as Iowa, because he's from a small town there and I feel rude calling him Country Boy. Our messages have space between them, they're light and airy in nature, and I almost find them preferable to Stage 5 Clinger's communication overload approach. It's slower paced but it also isn't as...gosh, I don't want to say overwhelming...but there is something slightly offputting about S5C's need to talk all the time. Which is weird, becuase i LIKE to talk. I LOVE to talk. I talk ALL THE TIME. I just am not ready to talk to someone ALL the time that I just met.
Again, i like talking to SC5...but maybe not as much as I should? Or, again, is this just a personal preference thing?
I don't know. I do know that I wanted to talk to my ex love of my life/current best friend today for longer than he allowed me and I had that same old niggle that I get wherever he's concerned that makes me mad that I still want to talk to him as much as I do (even as a friend).
He is a backstory for another day.
Bottom line: subsequent date is imminent for Stage 5 Clinger (thought WHAT I don't know...or when) and I'm looking forward to hearing back from Iowa, who is striking me as sweet and a little reserved.
And finally, did I mention that despite ALL of this, the kiss was HOT and made me remember that good kisses are out there and that I deserve to find them. And I will. Have no fear. I will.
Friday, January 7, 2011
"I think you've got a Stage 5 Clinger"
This is all moving very fast for me.
So, from a near "oops" early in the week, I have somehow managed to share 282 texts (WTF), 4 phone calls and a drinks date with Christian Rockstar.
Christian Rockstar is super funny and generally we have hit it off brilliantly.
Red flag: see above for how much has happened between Monday night and Friday night. That is a freaking ton to happen in 5 days.
So, here's what I don't know: is this totally specific to Christian Rockstar or is this how the internet dating thing works? I'm inclined to believe that you probably speed up the initial meet and greet process after being on a site like match.com after a certain number of fruitless first dates. I think this becuase I can see how it would be a time suck to talk to someone for three weeks over email, think something magical was happening, only to find they are dumb as a rock in person or have unruly back hair or something.
That said, I'm getting whiplash from this pace. I have a job! A kid! Friends! Stuff! Which is all to say, that I think my expectation was that I would do a little of the winking, a little of the messaging and try and land a date for a Friday or Saturday night. I didn't know it was going to take up, potentially, my whole freakin' week.
How my best friend ended up texting me "I Think You Have a Stage 5 Clinger"
So, I work in a job that is pretty demanding and time consuming when it wants to be. I happen to be working late this Friday and I will be working ALL day tomorrow (Saturday). So Christian Rockstar texts me and asks what I'm doing tonight, to which I reply that I am working late and then meeting up with friends for coffee later in the evening.
He says "do you want to get dinner?"
And, then I'm confused, becuase, didn't I JUST say I was working late and had plans? So I reasonably text back "tonight?"
And he says "I know you have to work early but I thought it would be nice to get dinner and maybe a drink"
I, kindly, reply "and it totally would but I have no idea when I'm going to get out of here. Why don't I call you when I leave?"
Because, a) i'm scrubby b) i'm TIRED and c) i JUST SAW HIM LAST NIGHT. When does he think I have time to pretty up and make it to dinner? I don't say any of this though.
"Drinks?!"
What the hell, dude? Read between the lines. I'M VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT.
Diplomatically (will this trait pass the further I go?) I reply "haha, how about i call you when i'm off and we'll see where we're at OR how about we make a firm date or Sunday or Monday?"
I don't really want to go out Sunday. I'm going to be ungodly tired from working Saturday, there's a Chiefs playoff game, and I won't have seen my kid for a day and half. For real. Monday might work but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
He replies "Let's do both!?"
And i kind of want to be like "Dude, for real, i like you. IN fact, I'm not forcing anything, pushing to make this a first successful hooha or anything. BUt I just met you and you're being pushy, and I am not, despite my fantasies, totally irresistable so I know it's not my inherent wit charm and develish good looks that are prompting you to chase me like this. and, i CANNOT KEEP THIS PACE UP! This is the kind of ungodly fast behavior that ends in marriage proposals after three months, and Little Red don't roll like that."
I don't say any of this though. I take a DEEP breath, remind myself that I don't want to die cold and alone, and reply "lol, i'll call you when i get off. i have to go work!"
So, now I'm waiting to escape the office (clearly working hard, am i not?) and definitely not planning to see Christian Rocker tonight, becuase, well, i'm tired, and the last I worked for today was crazy pants, and I want to see my kid for two hours before I have to go see my friends.
And, honestly, in my priorities, work I have to do, kid i want to do, and friends i've known longer than this cute boy i just met.
Crap. I'm totally going to die cold and alone.
Stats:
Christian Rocker
29
Rocked for 9 years, currently working with special ed kids at a private school
lives at home as of recently to save money while he starts school in two weeks (this doesn't both me becuase he's starting school in two week for occupational therapy)
Good sense of humor
Red flag admission that I will probably remember at some point "I mean, I'm not that guy that waits three days to call a girl if i like her. If someone is going to think that's "smothering" then...ya know...whatever."
So, from a near "oops" early in the week, I have somehow managed to share 282 texts (WTF), 4 phone calls and a drinks date with Christian Rockstar.
Christian Rockstar is super funny and generally we have hit it off brilliantly.
Red flag: see above for how much has happened between Monday night and Friday night. That is a freaking ton to happen in 5 days.
So, here's what I don't know: is this totally specific to Christian Rockstar or is this how the internet dating thing works? I'm inclined to believe that you probably speed up the initial meet and greet process after being on a site like match.com after a certain number of fruitless first dates. I think this becuase I can see how it would be a time suck to talk to someone for three weeks over email, think something magical was happening, only to find they are dumb as a rock in person or have unruly back hair or something.
That said, I'm getting whiplash from this pace. I have a job! A kid! Friends! Stuff! Which is all to say, that I think my expectation was that I would do a little of the winking, a little of the messaging and try and land a date for a Friday or Saturday night. I didn't know it was going to take up, potentially, my whole freakin' week.
How my best friend ended up texting me "I Think You Have a Stage 5 Clinger"
So, I work in a job that is pretty demanding and time consuming when it wants to be. I happen to be working late this Friday and I will be working ALL day tomorrow (Saturday). So Christian Rockstar texts me and asks what I'm doing tonight, to which I reply that I am working late and then meeting up with friends for coffee later in the evening.
He says "do you want to get dinner?"
And, then I'm confused, becuase, didn't I JUST say I was working late and had plans? So I reasonably text back "tonight?"
And he says "I know you have to work early but I thought it would be nice to get dinner and maybe a drink"
I, kindly, reply "and it totally would but I have no idea when I'm going to get out of here. Why don't I call you when I leave?"
Because, a) i'm scrubby b) i'm TIRED and c) i JUST SAW HIM LAST NIGHT. When does he think I have time to pretty up and make it to dinner? I don't say any of this though.
"Drinks?!"
What the hell, dude? Read between the lines. I'M VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT.
Diplomatically (will this trait pass the further I go?) I reply "haha, how about i call you when i'm off and we'll see where we're at OR how about we make a firm date or Sunday or Monday?"
I don't really want to go out Sunday. I'm going to be ungodly tired from working Saturday, there's a Chiefs playoff game, and I won't have seen my kid for a day and half. For real. Monday might work but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
He replies "Let's do both!?"
And i kind of want to be like "Dude, for real, i like you. IN fact, I'm not forcing anything, pushing to make this a first successful hooha or anything. BUt I just met you and you're being pushy, and I am not, despite my fantasies, totally irresistable so I know it's not my inherent wit charm and develish good looks that are prompting you to chase me like this. and, i CANNOT KEEP THIS PACE UP! This is the kind of ungodly fast behavior that ends in marriage proposals after three months, and Little Red don't roll like that."
I don't say any of this though. I take a DEEP breath, remind myself that I don't want to die cold and alone, and reply "lol, i'll call you when i get off. i have to go work!"
So, now I'm waiting to escape the office (clearly working hard, am i not?) and definitely not planning to see Christian Rocker tonight, becuase, well, i'm tired, and the last I worked for today was crazy pants, and I want to see my kid for two hours before I have to go see my friends.
And, honestly, in my priorities, work I have to do, kid i want to do, and friends i've known longer than this cute boy i just met.
Crap. I'm totally going to die cold and alone.
Stats:
Christian Rocker
29
Rocked for 9 years, currently working with special ed kids at a private school
lives at home as of recently to save money while he starts school in two weeks (this doesn't both me becuase he's starting school in two week for occupational therapy)
Good sense of humor
Red flag admission that I will probably remember at some point "I mean, I'm not that guy that waits three days to call a girl if i like her. If someone is going to think that's "smothering" then...ya know...whatever."
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Year - New Dating Adventure
Today is January 2nd, 2011. This will be my year to re-join the dating world.
I spent four hours (or maybe more but I'm embarrassed to write anything longer than four)with a panel of three extremely opinionated friend creating my online dating profile for match.com last night and committing my first $60 for three months of my life in order to peruse the singles that I deemed my best bet for non-creepsters, gents genuinely looking for love, and meeting guys that I won't want to punch in the face.
After one day, I find that "winking" is a powerful powerful tool and i LIKE it.
So, the winking is like the facebook "poke" except that I never thought of "poking" on facebook as a come-on even though, really, "poking" sounds MUCH dirtier than "winking" if you think about it.
So, a guy winks at you, you wink back, they take that a good sign at which to send you an email. It's like a water tester without having to expend much effort. Why can't we do that at a bar or at the grocery store? Some secret mating signal that is UNIVERSAL (this is key) for a person to go "hey, i think you're pretty" and the person to signal back and THEN the conversation to start! Okay the flaw in this is that in the real world ignoring that sign is much more devastating and embarrassing than someone ignoring your techno wink online. But at any rate, I really like the winking.
So my triumph today is that people have winked at me, which means that I am not the dating/social pariah that I was starting to at least...privately...wonder if I might be.
And let's briefly talk about my state of mind going into these adventures:
EVERYBODY IS GETTING MARRIED!
Now, that statement seems to indicate that I want to, but really, I'm not sure how I feel about marriage. I don't hate the idea, but it does give me the willies. I'm sure if and when I fall madly in love, it will NOT give me the willies. I think the willies come from having wanted to marry someone once upon a time, having that person crush and maim my young heart into lots of pieces, and then, subconsciously, deciding that feeling sucked and maybe I should not love the idea of complete and total vulnerability with another fallible human being.
And, yes, okay, okay okay I know that maybe that's the POINT. Trust, love, etc etc. This is an adventure though, remember? We will start slow on my journey with the hope that I have a revelation regarding the above at some point or with someone.
Okay, but the real problem with the "EVERYBODY IS GETTING MARRIED" is that everybody is pairing off, and while I was perfectly content to share my joys, frustrations, etc with my best friend as much as a boyfriend, all the best friends now have boyfriends.
And this does not even touch on the sad state of Little Red's sex life at the birth of this blog. The less said about that the better, except to say that I have not entered life to be celibate in my mid-20s. By fate and circumstance and some choices on my parts - NONE of which I regret - this New Year also was an embarrassing celibacy anniversary, one that I'm not comfortable with. It's not as simple as resolving to get laid in 2011. Because, clearly, that's a problem that a hot blooded person could solve with theoretically relative ease. The issue is wanting some emotional connection to go with that, um, laying (bonking? i'm not sure the verb i'll settle on for this)
My expectations are this of my adventure: no matter what I hope to have three months or more worth of really fabulous stories to chronicle. Fabulous could mean love of my life, mind blowing sex, getting married in August...and equally fabulous could mean horrific but comical dating blunders that I will save for posterity. At any rate, I am hopeful and realistic about what I am in for.
That all said, I'm realizing I will make mistakes along the way. Today, I was emailing a gentlemen (having mutually "winked" at one another) and thought I was being, well, cute and witty only to discover that maybe you'd have had to met me in person to have cute and witty translate to a relative stranger. I think I succeeded in either turning him off or shutting him down...oh wait, an email may have just come through. Hold with bated breath for the conclusion of today's story...
Bwa ha! Well recovered! Apparently, we're moving from emailing to chatting! The lesson learned today is that even when you blunder, a little bit of honesty about sucking sometimes goes a long way.
So, what comes after chatting?
To be continued...
I spent four hours (or maybe more but I'm embarrassed to write anything longer than four)with a panel of three extremely opinionated friend creating my online dating profile for match.com last night and committing my first $60 for three months of my life in order to peruse the singles that I deemed my best bet for non-creepsters, gents genuinely looking for love, and meeting guys that I won't want to punch in the face.
After one day, I find that "winking" is a powerful powerful tool and i LIKE it.
So, the winking is like the facebook "poke" except that I never thought of "poking" on facebook as a come-on even though, really, "poking" sounds MUCH dirtier than "winking" if you think about it.
So, a guy winks at you, you wink back, they take that a good sign at which to send you an email. It's like a water tester without having to expend much effort. Why can't we do that at a bar or at the grocery store? Some secret mating signal that is UNIVERSAL (this is key) for a person to go "hey, i think you're pretty" and the person to signal back and THEN the conversation to start! Okay the flaw in this is that in the real world ignoring that sign is much more devastating and embarrassing than someone ignoring your techno wink online. But at any rate, I really like the winking.
So my triumph today is that people have winked at me, which means that I am not the dating/social pariah that I was starting to at least...privately...wonder if I might be.
And let's briefly talk about my state of mind going into these adventures:
EVERYBODY IS GETTING MARRIED!
Now, that statement seems to indicate that I want to, but really, I'm not sure how I feel about marriage. I don't hate the idea, but it does give me the willies. I'm sure if and when I fall madly in love, it will NOT give me the willies. I think the willies come from having wanted to marry someone once upon a time, having that person crush and maim my young heart into lots of pieces, and then, subconsciously, deciding that feeling sucked and maybe I should not love the idea of complete and total vulnerability with another fallible human being.
And, yes, okay, okay okay I know that maybe that's the POINT. Trust, love, etc etc. This is an adventure though, remember? We will start slow on my journey with the hope that I have a revelation regarding the above at some point or with someone.
Okay, but the real problem with the "EVERYBODY IS GETTING MARRIED" is that everybody is pairing off, and while I was perfectly content to share my joys, frustrations, etc with my best friend as much as a boyfriend, all the best friends now have boyfriends.
And this does not even touch on the sad state of Little Red's sex life at the birth of this blog. The less said about that the better, except to say that I have not entered life to be celibate in my mid-20s. By fate and circumstance and some choices on my parts - NONE of which I regret - this New Year also was an embarrassing celibacy anniversary, one that I'm not comfortable with. It's not as simple as resolving to get laid in 2011. Because, clearly, that's a problem that a hot blooded person could solve with theoretically relative ease. The issue is wanting some emotional connection to go with that, um, laying (bonking? i'm not sure the verb i'll settle on for this)
My expectations are this of my adventure: no matter what I hope to have three months or more worth of really fabulous stories to chronicle. Fabulous could mean love of my life, mind blowing sex, getting married in August...and equally fabulous could mean horrific but comical dating blunders that I will save for posterity. At any rate, I am hopeful and realistic about what I am in for.
That all said, I'm realizing I will make mistakes along the way. Today, I was emailing a gentlemen (having mutually "winked" at one another) and thought I was being, well, cute and witty only to discover that maybe you'd have had to met me in person to have cute and witty translate to a relative stranger. I think I succeeded in either turning him off or shutting him down...oh wait, an email may have just come through. Hold with bated breath for the conclusion of today's story...
Bwa ha! Well recovered! Apparently, we're moving from emailing to chatting! The lesson learned today is that even when you blunder, a little bit of honesty about sucking sometimes goes a long way.
So, what comes after chatting?
To be continued...
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