You Don't Fall in Love By Always Thinking Maybe

I have been on the match for almost exactly a month which means that I'm taking stock of what I've accomplished in a month:

Date: 4 (per my goal of an average 1 per week)
Emails: 15
Winks: 16

Then I also took stock of what Match calls the "daily 5" which is basically 5 guys they throw at you to say "yes" "no" or "maybe" to that match, like, three characteristics with you that match deems important. ("Like you, he's an oldest child" - really? this is true love? me and a BILLION other people, match, thank you)

It has not gone unnoticed by me that I know refer to the website as simply "match" and that it has become an entity that I both resent, have feelings about, love and hate in equal turn. (i.e. "damn you, match, and your fickle participants!")

Anyhow, it keeps track of your daily 5 responses. You could get 5 new guys every single day if you signed in -which i was noticing a lot of guys do - so that's, what, 150 guys I could have looked at in the past 30 days? I did not look at that many. I find it impossible to sign on as much as I probably should. It's one of my goals for month 2 - to increase signing in. Anyhow, of all those guys, I apparently say no to 2/3 of them, maybe to the other approximate 1/3, and i've said "yes" as in just "yes, i'm interested in this person based off the five things you've put forth about them" TWICE!

Holy crap, people! I AM the problem!

No, I'm not the problem, but I'm also not currently the solution. I was lamenting the fact that - oh, shit, I've already forgotten my nickname for him - uh...Smarty Pants (I can only think of his ACTUAL name, which is probably a good sign!) hadn't messaged me back in two days, including the weekend, where he very clearly said that he was doing NOTHING, and then I sign on to match today to see that he's apparently been "active in the last 24 hours" ("damn you, match, and your TMI!")

Now, granted, I didn't write him back for two days last week, but I had work. And I said as much.

The firefighter dude has ALSO not messaged me back - apparently my stock fell the past couple of days for whatever reason. Or, I am WAY less witty and charming via email than I am in person (this is not true. I think i'm actually MUCH wittier and charming in writing than in person)

Hrmph.

This is also not helped by the fact that IIIII have stopped responded to Iowa, because, frankly, it's not going anywhere. He's boring and I'll die of boredom. I refuse to date someone that I don't spark with. Ever. Again. I mean, 1 date, okay? 2-3 dates, maybe if there's some further recon to accomplish.

I will NOT, however, try to make something out of nothing.

However, my high "no" and "maybe" statistics lead me to believe that I have some given over to a state of pickyness that my current reading material ("Kiss and Run: The Single, Pick and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Commitment" and, just tonight, "Cant Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed Up Love") leads me to believe are indicators of that wall that I so furiously denied a few posts down, or an unwillingness to give someone a chance that I don't immediately hear angel choruses in response to.

Oh, dear, I think I've found my spectrum. I'm on one end of it instead of doing that moderation that that folks talk to highly about and being somewhere happily in the middle of "picky-going-to-die-alone" and "do-you-have-a-penis-and-two-to-four-legs?"

To be fair, I did the latter with great gusto for a solid year in a post break-up with my first love. I regret none of it.

Likewise, I think I'm coming off the former more recently due to my single motherhood status and the creeping celibacy anniversaries.

Logically, I can handle both of these. One, I have come to terms with my single motherhood. I don't feel self-conscious about it anymore the way I did a year into it when I couldn't quite separate my "mom" role from my "girl" role (how do married women do it!?!?) My only hang up currently that relates to this little dating escapade is the time commitment. However, again, my current reading materials say I can date at whatever pace I like - including my one date a week average that my brain feels comfortable with (TAKE THAT STAGE 5 CLINGER)

The celibacy? The celibacy, I posit, presents only a small amount of performance anxiety compounded mostly by a just-below-the-surface rage of hormones that has recently only been handled through the reading of romance novels while running on a treadmill (seriously, i can run longer and faster while reading sex scenes than I have ever done in my year long foray into running...it's A.MAZ.ING) Now, again, I'll be fair and say my hangup here is my unwillingness to sleep with anyone that I don't feel pretty strongly is going to break the years long (oh! that pains me to say!) dearth of serious hanky panky (mild hanky panky exluded - I'm talking all in. Forgive the pun) and knock it out of the park. I.e. the words have come out of my mouth "if i thought it wasn't going to be good, i wouldn't do it all. because when i do it, you damn well better believe, it. will. be. good."

That's a lot of pressure on some unknown dude to make sparks fly.

My best gay friends says I need to take care of this latter issue in order to not have that be a subconscious part of my judgment of suitors. I own a book called "Sex and the Single Mom" I appreciate it. It's just not what I want to do right now. I maintained a year ago that I would NOT be having of the sex until I was happily in a secure, committed relationship.

Then I got myself one of those with a really great guy who was smart, nice, kind, appreciated my kid, etc. etc. etc. and I didn't/couldn't have sex with him.

I tried to attack dating the opposite way of my pre-baby world (which was chiefly linked to sexual attraction/no emotional connection) by finding someone great, trying to form an emotional attachment with the idea that the sexual would, you know, come (i'm really onto the puns today. forgive me) Lesson learned: that don't work.

So, I'm touching a little on the last post of logistics, but now I've thrown sex and, oh, maybe openness? availability? willingness? pick a word, i need to find a little of it.

And, by this cute guy that I actually think I might really like NOT messaging me quick enough (after complaining about you-know-who's hyper speed communiques! oh, fickle woman, thy hair is red!) I realize that I need to spend the good old Month 2 - February - VALENTINE'S DAY month, for cripe's sake, being and acting a little more open to love. Taking the rejections impersonally (as another late read "How to Start Conversations and Make Friends" implored) and moving on with a sincere openness and willingness to meet someone.

PS, I am not spending all my free time reading self-help books. I got a NookColor for Christmas and I find it the best thing that ever happened to me when lying next to my two-year-old trying to get him to go to sleep.

So, match is the other site I have pulled up right now at 12:31 in the AM before a giant snow storm shuts down my state tomorrow...I think I'll go do a little trolling with a little more "yes" on my lips than "maybe."


UPDATE: SmartyPants just emailed me! Hooray for the power of positive thinking (although part me just really thinks men have a sixth sense for when a woman starts to move on)