I'm not entirely sure why I'm falling in love kicking and screaming as if someone is trying to yank me into hell rather than the throes of a functional, passionate, pleasing relationship.
I treat every big step and every sweet thing this very nice man does for me with a big old cocked eyebrow as if waiting for God to go "ha! just kidding kid!" and him to have a deep dark secret that I won't be able to handle.
We had what I will consider our first "big talk" upon my return from out of town - covering, first and foremost, his green-eyed monster. He quickly apologizes and dismisses his reaction to my staying in a friend's living room. I nod, but...you're not off the hook, buddy.
"Are you a crazy jealous person?" I want to know as we lay in bed, again, having some really strange pillow talk after some welcome-home-sex. (Sidebar: he brought me flowers! it's amazing I didn't blurt out "I love you" then and there)
"No. But I do have some qualities I'm not proud of...including some jealousy and possessiveness."
Eee, gads. I'm glad it's dark in my room because I hope he can't see the big ole frown and look of worry on my face.
"Do you trust me?" I want to know.
"Yes, but..." (nothing good ever being with a "yes, but") "...this is just such a good thing we have going that I don't want to mess it up."
Well, stop being a caveman and we'll be in good shape.
I say, "so you trust me but you don't trust me."
"No, I trust you."
He doesn't sound super convinced.
"Look, the reality is that I could cheat on you tomorrow. I know the reality is that you could go fuck another girl if you wanted to. I have zippo control over that. I'm clearly operating under the assumption that you're NOT going to do that but...I also know it could happen. I'll deal with the fallout of something like that IF it happens, not try to protect myself from the fallout in advance when you haven't done anything to indicate you might be inclined towards that type of behavior."
Capice?
He's quiet. Maybe not capice...
"You knew I had guy friends," I say with as low of a defensiveness level as I can muster.
"I know. That doesn't bother me...in theory."
My frown is deepening.
"So your guy goes to being bothered...that...is okay," I say with great diplomacy. "So long as I can tell your gut it's being ridiculous."
He smiles at this. "You're so good for me."
I smile back. Problem meet solution.
"I think the bigger question is here how we communicate in a conflict. My gut goes to being an indignant snot when I think I'm right. I know I did that last week with you and I don't want YOU think I'M an insensitive asshole. Our guts have rights to go wherever they want, but we, as thinking people, have to reign them in and tell them who's boss..."
See what I'm doing here? I'm making a very nice parallel that I hope he is absorbing.
"I have no doubt you'll tell me who's boss," he cracks.
Good, so long as we're clear on that...
"So does the idea of me being in [ex-love-of-my-life]'s wedding give you hives?"
Ah, have I mentioned this? I am to be a groomsman for the man who took my virginity. In New Orleans. My other best friend who is a dude is the best man and will likely plan the world's most ridiculous bachelor party. In New Orleans.
"I wouldn't say it gives me hives..." DD says carefully.
"But it doesn't make you leap for joy," I surmise. "Good thing you have a year to get used to the idea."
"Good thing," he says quietly, clearly not convinced it will ever be something that jives in his brain. I am not going to concern myself with this because, well, it's happening. He's going to have to deal with it.
However, this bring up another interesting question...
"So, does my friendship with [ex love of my...jesus, I need a shorter nickname for this one. I shall call him...THAT ONE...henceforth] blow your mind?"
He is silent again for a moment before saying, very carefully, "I don't understand it. I mean...from what I gather...he was your first everything. I'm not sure how his fiance thinks that's appropriate"
Translation: I don't think it's appropriate.
"She was wary of me before she met me. Understandably. THAT ONE and I dated for 4 years, and are now best friends, practically family. He's my son's godfather. Our lives are sort of...stuck together. That's a big pill to swallow. I get that. But...I think people have good intuition. Girls know when they can't trust other girls. She met me...and it made her comfortable with our relationship. That...meant something," I say, by way of explanation.
"Uh huh" is the response I get. I'm glad I didn't become a lawyer, because I apparently suck at making a case.
"I'm not...it's not that I feel like I'm competing with him, but...you loved him. A lot. He's still a huge part of your life. His pictures are all over you house... "(sidebar, there are four pictures...three with my son...2 of which are in my son's room) "...and...I can't help but wonder if you'll ever have the same kind of feelings for me that you did for him. I want to be the one that you call first."
Aw. He's threatened. And vulenerable. And that wins my heart...every time.
I look at him seriously, put my hand on his cheek. "Right now, besides my son, you're the only man in my life that really matters."
And, to my surprise, I think I mean this statement.
He guffaws at this, but I reiterate it...emphatically.
"but...I'm always going to have guy friends. And they're not going anywhere," I add, for good measure.
He cocks an eyebrow.
"I thought I'm the only what that matters," he says.
"REALLY matters," I remind him. "The other still matter. You just matter more. Now, hush up and let's go to sleep."
And we do.
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