The Voicemail of DOOM

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I've done it this time. I've stuck my foot in my mouth before, but tonight definitely takes the cake. I can't decide if I'm glad that it was over voicemail rather than an actual conversation or not, but either way I wish I could erase the last hour of my life so that the voicemail I left would not exist.

I called DD tonight upon his request (he wanted to hear my voice - I think I wanted to hear his too)but unfortunately got voicemail. I left a long rambly voicemail - the kind of which I am famous for, especially with my long distance friends. I was wrapping up the message and had uttered the words "i miss you" (truth). The problem was that I say this phrase ALL the time to my friends...usually in the iteration of "miss you, love you, talk to you soon!"

Somehow, this is what tumbled off my lips tonight. I knew what I'd said the instant I said it and had a major "oh fuck me!" moment. But I'm on voicemail so I have to keep talking: "oh, ha! i can't believe I just said that. I say that all the time to [my long distance friend] and i didn't mean to blurt that out on voicemail...clearly...that's not a voicemail thing..."

Oh, God, make me shut up! Give me the strength to stop rambling! Give me the strength to find words that stop sounding like I'm either madly in love with him and accidentally admitted it or that I couldn't think of anything I'd like to say LESS than "I love you" and it was a complete and utter accident. I think I probably sound like a terrible mixture of BOTH and depending on which way he's leaning, he'll read it that way.

I finally give up trying to explain myself and end with an awkward "okay, well, I'm super busy the next two days with the wedding but I'll try and text you or call you Sunday....uh...bye."

Fail. Giant, epic early relationship FAIL. Also, I've felt like these very words MIGHT have been on his lips a couple of times this last week. I've even said to friends, "man, I hope he doesn't say it. He knows I'm a slower paced gal. He's smart. He'll wait and let ME say it."

But now I've said it!

Damn.

Double damn.

Fuck me.